Random Siriusness
by SimplyComplex
Summary: Pretty much what the title says. Random funny pieces about Sirius from other stories. Just read it!
1. Cheetos and Eanie Meanie Miny Mo!

IMPORTANT! There was a bit of a mix up of the chapters. My Bad. I fixed it,  
and everything is now in the correct order. Thank you, Come again!!  
A/N: Okay, I'm gonna tell you right away. I did NOT write any of this! This  
is funny bits of other stories about Sirius. I did this because I suck at  
writing, and Sirius is my favorite character. Got It? Okay!  
  
"Sirius, have you seen my new shoes?" Harry wanted to try to side track  
him.  
  
"No, Harry."  
  
"Wait! Where's my Cheetos?"  
  
"Um . . .Dog ate them?"  
  
"Oh . . . Wait! You ARE a dog!"  
  
"Wait! Harry, I . . . You see, . . ."  
  
"Hey, what's that?" Harry pointed to an empty bag on Sirius' lap.  
  
"Nothing!" Sirius said quickly, standing up.  
  
"Ha! Caught red-handed!"  
  
"Um . . . No, I . . . Er . . . "  
  
"I knew it! I knew it! You were number ONE on my list! Ha! I knew it, I  
knew it!"  
  
"Harry, shut up! Hey-"  
  
"I knew it, I knew it!"  
  
"Harry, I get your point! Will you please shut-"  
  
"I knew it! Now, pay up!"  
  
"What? I thought-"  
  
"Pay up! You own me money for all that!"  
  
"What? Hey, I don't have any!"  
  
"Maybe, you should have a J-O-B!"  
  
"Do you take an IOU?" asked Sirius desperately.  
  
"No! Fine, since you have no money, no job, you will work for me!"  
  
"WHAT? You work with the greasy git!"  
  
"SO?"  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"Hehe. We wake up at 6:00 a.m."  
  
"What? NO WAY!"  
  
"Oh, come on! You wake up at noon, you lazy pig!"  
  
"That is no way to talk to your poor defenseless godfather like that!"  
  
"More like poor lazy, godfather."  
  
"Shut up! I am NOT lazy!"  
  
"Sure, that's why there's food everywhere! You're too lazy to eat with me!"  
  
"You get home late!"  
  
"Good night. We have to wake up early. Time for bed."  
  
"What? It's only 10:00!"  
" Good night, sleep tight!"  
____________________________________________________________________________  
_  
Paddy decided that it was time to go to a Muggle Public Pool. Moony would  
tag-along as well.  
  
"So, where is this place?" Came Moony's curious voice over the receiver.  
Paddy and Moony had bought phones the other day, after all, they were going  
  
to play at being Muggles.  
  
"Oh, somewhere nearby."  
  
"Paddy! Last time you said 'Nearby, we ended up in Spain!"  
  
"Chill out, it *is* close." Paddy's voice was gruff.  
  
"Fine, if we end up somewhere else..." Moony trailed off dangerously.  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
This old Albus, he played one,  
He played nick nack on my drum (Albus: *sitting at drumset jamming*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack, (Remus: *whacks Sirius on the head*)  
Give a dog a bone; (Sirius: *rubs his head, a bone gets thrown at him*)  
This old Albus came rolling home. (Albus: *rolls down the street stuffed in  
a garbage can* WHEEE!!)  
____________________________________________________________________________  
_-  
OK THIS IS GETTING A BIT WIERD....  
  
Mr. Moony apologizes for their behavior.  
  
Mr. Prongs says we have done nothing wrong!!  
  
Mr. Padfoot disagrees we were telling the kid how hot his mum is.  
  
Mr. Prongs says you a stupid prat who can't keep his bog mouth shut!!  
  
Mr. Padfoot shouts Bambi!!  
  
Mr. Prongs says Dog Breath!!  
  
Mr. Moony says see it's usually them who argues  
  
Mr. Padfoot says Wolf-boy!!  
  
Mr. Moony thinks you are going to be in trouble on the next full moon!!  
  
ANY WAY I GOT TO GO IM AFRAID. ILL BE BACK LATER TO LISTEN TO MORE OF YOUR  
INSANE RAMBLINGS!! SEEYA!!  
_________________________________________________________________________  
This old Albus, he played two,  
He played nick nack on my shoe, (Albus: *knocks on Remus' shoe*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: *Whacks Sirius with a big stick*)  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: OW!....*a bone get thrown at him, narrowly  
missing his head*)  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *rolls down the street stuffed in  
an oil drum* WHEEEE!!!!!)  
________________________________________________________________________  
Peter tried on the hat. "Well, you really don't belong in any house. I  
would put you in Hufflepuff, cos that's where I put all the one's I can't  
decide on, but loyalty is not you're strong suit. You are very dumb, so  
Ravenclaw's not for you. Gryffindor, well, you're a big coward, so that  
rules that out, and Slytherin is for ambitious evil people, so you won't do  
there. Well, I always say, "When all else fails do Eanie, Meanie, Miny,  
Mo."  
Eanie, meanie, miny, mo,  
Catch a tiger by his toe,  
If he hollers,  
Let him go.  
Eanie, meanie, miny. GRYFFINDOR!"  
Peter glumly went to the Gryffindor table, and no one clapped for him.  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
This old Albus, he played three,  
He played nick nack on my tree,(Albus: *knocks on the Whomping Willow*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: *plays Sirius' head like a bongo*)  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: Remus! Quit..OW! *a bone hits him in the face*)  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *his head is inside of a bowling  
ball and it rolls by a confused Sirius and Remus*)  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
These are the stories I got this chapter from:  
A Cheeto Problem, By Sirius' Secret Lover MB Sirius  
The Adventures of Paddy and Moony Episode 001 By Sirius' Secret Lover MB  
Sirius  
Nick Nack...Padfoot Whack?! Baka Kitsune  
Harry Potter and The Marauders, By LadyLilyPotter  
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Generation By Filia Astrum  
___________________________________________________________________________  
A/N Hope you liked it. Please review, Flames will be used to keep me warm.  
PS. I'm not updating unless I get a few reviews, so if you want more,  
REVIEW!!!!!! 


	2. Singing with The Kings of Kareoke

Disclaimer: I OWN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! And GULLIBLE is written in the sky!  
A/N: thank you to all my reviewers-er-reviewer. Thank you rouge 5157! I  
couldn't wait to put up my chapter, so there! But you will have to wait for  
more reviews this time! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*hack**cough**cough* Oh yes,  
and Sirius, James, and Remus have decided to join us! Say hello!  
James: Hey.  
Remus: Hi.  
Sirius: Hello all of my adoring fans! I love you all!  
___________________________________________________________________________  
This old Albus, he played four,  
He played nick nack on my door,(Albus: *knocks on Severus' door, giggles,  
then runs off*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Severus: *storms out and whacks Sirius,  
then goes back in*)  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: Ow...I'll show him..*picks up a bone to throw,  
but another one directs itself to hit him in the face*)  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *rolls down a hill* WHEEE!!! OW!  
OW! JAGGED ROCKS! OH MY!)  
__________________________________________________________________________  
"Hi," I said, breaking the silence. Everyone glared at me as though I had  
broken the most sacred law in the world.  
"What? Aren't I allowed to be friendly?" According to the hook-nosed boy's  
expression, absolutely not. I ignored him.  
"Okay, let's try this again," I said. "Hi! My name is Sirius Black. Nice  
to meet you. Okay, your turn, James."  
If looks could kill, I'd be the greatest medical miracle in history.  
"Fine! Be that way. His name is James Potter and he's NOT pleased to meet  
you." James was running out of murderous expressions at this point.  
"I'm Severus Snape," the hook-nosed boy mumbled, glaring at James.  
"Lily Granger." Said the girl. I was starting to wonder why they seemed to  
hate James even more than me- it was me, after all, that had struck up this  
conversation.  
"He already told you my name," James snapped at everyone, jabbing his index  
finger into my ribs.  
  
_________________________________________________________________________  
"And second, all day today; there will be a singing competition. All of you  
are excused from your classes"  
Dumbledore was interrupted by Sirius jumping up and screaming, "YES I HAVE  
ANOTHER TWO WEEKS TO FINISH MY HOMEWORK!!"  
  
"Black, that will be five points from Gryffindor for not having your  
homework completed on time," shouted Professor McGonagall, standing up  
beside Dumbledore.  
  
"I always knew she was a Slytherin supporter," mumbled Sirius, who sat down  
and focused on his eggs and bacon.  
__________________________________________________________________________-  
This old Albus, he played five,  
He played nick nack, on my hive,(Albus: *chucks a rock at a bee hive*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: *also chucks a rock, but it whacks  
Sirius instead*)  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: OW!....OW!!!*gets hit in the back with a bone*)  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *rolls along, stuffed inside a  
massive tire* WHEEE!!...ugh..I'm nautius..)  
_________________________________________________________________________-  
He pointed to Sirius's jeans and sure enough, the button was popping of and  
he didn't have the zipper zipped. Those jeans looked really familiar. Wait  
a minute! "Sirius! Those are MY jeans! You're fat arse is stretching them!"  
  
"Heh. You better hide your boxers!" Smirked Sirius.  
  
"Ew! God no! Sirius, don't you ever think about it!" said Harry as he tried  
not to picture his very large godfather in his beloved boxers.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I know that I'm gonna wear you swimming trunks tomorrow! Or what  
about your nice leather pants? " Yelled Sirius from across the hall.  
  
"Shut up! I do not want to picture you in my leather pants! You are a poor,  
jobless, fat, old man!"  
  
"You really think that?" Yelled Sirius in a hurt voice.  
  
"Oh, not the fist and last comment. As for the rest, let's say you need to  
go on Atkins Diet! It's really nice. Molly went on it and lost her flub  
almost in her fist week!"  
  
"A DIET? ARE YOU MAD?" then silence filled the halls as both men fell into  
a deep sleep. Harry dreamt that he married a goat. Sirius dreamt that he  
married a big Twinkie.  
________________________________________________________________________-  
This old Albus, he played six,  
He played nick nack on my sticks,(Albus: *juggles some sticks*)  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: *whacks Sirius with a stick*)  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: OW! Why does everyone keep...OW!!!! *keels over  
as a bone hits him in the groin*)  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *does cartwheels down the street*)  
_______________________________________________________________________-  
"And next up we have...oh dear." Dumbledore mumbled. "The Kings of Karaoke,  
The Marauders, singing Friends In Low Places." (Come on, you knew I'd put a  
Garth Brooks song in here somewhere.)  
"God help us." Lily mumbled  
"Told you he'd say it." Sirius gloated as the Marauders stepped out onto  
the stage. James and Peter looked like they were ready for a rodeo, while  
Sirius and Remus were both wearing tight jeans (happy sigh) and western  
style shirts. All four Marauders wore matching black cowboy hats (and if  
you don't like it, talk to the head of my Complaint Department, Lord  
Voldemort).  
James-  
Blame it all on my roots  
I showed up in boots  
And ruined your black tie affair  
The last one to know  
The last one to show  
I was the last one  
You thought you'd see there  
Peter (trying to step around Sirius, who is hogging the spotlight)-  
And I saw the surprise  
And the fear in his eyes  
When I took his glass of champagne  
And I toasted you  
Said, honey, we may be through  
But you'll never hear me complain  
All three-  
'Cause I've got friends in low places  
Where the whiskey drowns  
And the beer chases my blues away  
And I'll be okay  
"Sirius, stop getting in front of me." Peter whispered. Sirius kept  
stepping in front of him, showing off for all the women in the audience.  
Not that the women minded. Peter certainly did.  
I'm not big on social graces  
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis  
Oh, I've got friends in low places.  
Remus-  
Well, I guess I was wrong  
I just don't belong  
But then, I've been there before  
Everything's all right  
I'll just say goodnight  
And I'll show myself to the door  
Hey, I didn't mean  
To cause a big scene  
Just give me an hour and then  
Well, I'll be as high  
As that ivory tower  
That you're livin' in  
All three  
'Cause I've got friends in low places  
Where the whiskey drowns  
And the beer chases my blues away  
And I'll be okay  
"Sirius, knock it off. You're stepping on Peter." Remus hissed.  
"Yeah, knock it off and quit getting in my way." Peter added. James was  
trying to ignore all of this, and succeeding.  
I'm not big on social graces  
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis  
Oh, I've got friends in low places  
Sirius-  
I guess I was wrong  
I just don't belong  
But then, I've been there before  
And everything is alright  
I'll just say goodnight  
And I'll show myself to the door  
I didn't mean to cause a big scene  
Just wait 'til I finish this glass  
Then sweet little lady  
I'll head back to the bar  
And you can kiss my ass!  
"I thought we'd agreed you weren't going to sing that line." Remus asked.  
"I never promised anything."  
All three-  
'Cause I've got friends in low places  
Where the whiskey drowns  
And the beer chases my blues away  
"Sirius get out of our way." Peter told him. Sirius was blocking both him  
and Remus now, clearly enjoying all the attention he was getting.  
"I have to be where my fans can see me."  
"What fans?" Remus asked, getting angry now.  
And I'll be okay  
I'm not big on social graces  
"That's it." Peter said as Sirius stepped on him yet again. He and Remus  
tackled Sirius, completely forgetting about the song, and began fighting on  
the stage. James noticed none of this as they were behind him anyway.  
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis  
Oh, I've got friends in low places.  
At this moment, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all fell off the stage, rolling  
around in front of it fighting. James took one frustrated look at them,  
looked at the rest of the school, which was laughing uncontrollably, and  
said with a laugh, "Well, looks like I really do have friends in low  
places. And they seem to be beating the Hell out of each other."  
"Thank you!" Remus shouted, jumping up from the fight to bow along with  
James and Peter. Hey, they were applauding, which was more important than  
killing Sirius. He could do that anytime.  
"Party in my room!" Sirius shouted with a grin. "Women only!"  
"Sirius!" James, Peter and Remus shouted in unison.  
____________________________________________________________________________  
-  
"In third place, with 25 points ,we have Mr. Sirius Black and Ms Lily Evans  
singing Daytime Friends."  
"Yes!" Lily and Sirius cried, high fiving one another.  
"In second place, with 28 points, are Mr. Remus Lupin and Mr. Sirius Black  
singing Who Let The Dogs Out."  
"All right!" Sirius and Remus grinned.  
"Canines rule, by the way." Sirius added to his friends.  
"Get a life Sirius." Lily sighed, though she smiled broadly at her friends  
winning.  
"They only rule if you get first place, you're still just second best  
Padfoot." James teased. "I still say deer rule."  
"And I still say you're insane."  
"I hang out with you don't I?"  
"And in first place, with 37 points, we have Mr. James Potter, Sirius  
Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin singing Backstreet's Back."  
Dumbledore announced. The entire school erupted into applause, except for  
the Slytherins, who were upset that they hadn't even placed.  
"Cheaters! Only Gryffindor won!" Snape shouted. "They cheated somehow!"  
"SHUT UP SNAPE!" shouted every last person in Gryffindor House. Even  
Professor  
McGonnagall looked as though she had shouted at him. Snape slunk down in  
the audience like a wounded dog.  
"Hey, I'm three for three." Sirius realized. "I sang in every song that  
won. That proves I rule James."  
"No, it just proves you sing too much." (He does so rule James! And so does  
Remus! Both of them especially in tight pants.)  
"It is an eerie coincidence you must admit." Peter spoke up.  
"Well boys, come on up." Dumbledore smiled. "We'd all like an encore  
performance of your song."  
"Well, come on guys." Sirius grinned, already out of his chair and heading  
up to the stage.  
"Boo!" Lucius shouted from the audience as the Marauders took the stage. He  
was immediately pummeled by a hail of rolled up balls of parchment, thrown  
by every member of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff, who were all very  
tired of hearing comments from the Slytherins.  
"Before we begin." James said, grinning. "I'd just like to say something.  
I, and I'm sure my fellow Marauders agree, that this would not have been  
possible if the Slytherins hadn't totally sucked in their attempts to sing.  
So thank you Goldilocks and SlimeBall."  
"That's it, I'm going to kill them!" Snape shouted, jumping up. Somebody,  
no one saw who (::cough::Lily!::cough::) hit him with a full body bind and  
he disappeared from view again. The Marauders tried not to laugh, which was  
extraordinarily difficult. But they finally calmed down as the music began  
to play.  
____________________________________________________________________________  
_  
Stories By:  
Nick Nack...Padfoot Whack?!- Baka Kitsune  
Sirius' Autobiography- J. K.'s Little Assistant  
The Marauders Singing Competition -hpfreak20011  
A Cheeto Problem- Sirius' Secret Lover MB Sirius  
The Marauder Singing Contest- Ariana Black  
____________________________________________________________________________  
_-  
A/N: Hope you liked it1 Please review, flames will be used to cook more  
junk food! Like Donuts! *in a Homer Simpson impression* Mmm.Donuts  
James: Don't mind her, she's temporarily insane right now  
Remus: Too much sugar.  
Sirius: And too little sleep. 


	3. And the award for least intelligent argu...

A/N: here is the next chapter. Again, I own NOTHING! Not the plot, not the characters, I don't even own the letters that make up the words I don't own, that make up the sentences I don't own, that make up the paragraphs that-  
  
Sirius: They get the point! Jeez, even I'm not that bad  
  
Simply*Complex: Are too!  
  
Sirius: Am not!  
  
Simply*Complex: Are too!  
  
Sirius: Am not!  
  
Simply*Complex: Are too!  
  
Sirius: Am not!  
  
Simply*Complex: Are too!  
  
Sirius: Am not!  
  
Simply*Complex: Are too!  
  
Remus: might as well start reading the story, they could go on for a long time  
  
James: Yeah. The record was what, 3½ hours?  
  
Remus: 4¼.  
  
James: Whatever. ___________________________________________________________________ This old Albus, he played seven,  
  
He played nick nack down in Devon,(Albus: *looks at a map, really confused* Devon?)  
  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: No, I'm Remus...and This is Sirius!*Whacks Sirius for not introducing himself*)  
  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: OW!...*dodges a bone and it hits Remus*)  
  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *becomes a white bumblebee and does little loops*) ___________________________________________________________________________-  
  
"'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave your name and a number after the beep... and I'll get back to you a) if I feel like it and b) if I can. Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case: Sod of you git! I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at school when you showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"REMUS!" roared Sirius Black's voice (obviously magically magnified) over the speaker, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO SOD OFF?! PICK UP, YOU GIT! IT'S IMPORTANT! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THERE... REMMY!....... MOONY! DON'T MAKE ME CRY! YOU KNOW I WILL! OKAY, MAYBE NOT, BUT I CAN *SING*! STILL NOT ANSWERING? FINE. YOU ASKED FOR IT! THE ITSEY BITSEY SPIDER-" Beep.  
  
Remus laughed loudly as the machine cut his friend off, and was not at all surprised when it rang again seconds later.  
  
"'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave your name and a number after the beep.... I'll get back to you a) if I feel like it and b) if I can. Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case: Sod of you git! I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at school when you showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"Your stupid machine cut me off! Stupid Muggle invention! Anyway. THE ITSEY BITSEY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATERSPOUT! DOWN CAME THE RAIN AND-!"  
  
"Alright! Alright! ENOUGH!" Remus shouted into the phone after snatching it up, "Good god Sirius!"  
  
"Ha, HA! I win!"  
  
"Now WHAT do you want?! Mr. Moony has more important things to do than listen to you ramble!"  
  
"Like what?" ________________________________________________________________- ___________  
  
This old Albus, he played eight,  
  
He played nick nack on my gate, (Albus: *swings a creaky gate*)  
  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack, (Remus: Ow! That's hurting my ears! *whacks Sirius*)  
  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: What was THAT for?! *dodges another bone which hits Remus in the face*)  
  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *rolls down the street in an official American Gladiators ball cage thing*) ___________________________________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, putting his hand on the shoulder of a very confused Remus, "I'll take it from here, Remmy." He turned to Mrs. Dursley, "We are here to save our best friends' son, The Boy, from the clutches of his embodiment of evil relatives Petunia, Vernon and Dudley Dursley."  
  
"Oh! You mean the boy. Alright then! NOW I understand. I'm sorry, but you cannot have him."  
  
"Well, excuse me!" Sirius snapped, "But I am his GOD-FATHER."  
  
"I am his AUNT."  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Aunt!"  
  
"GOD-FATHER!"  
  
"AUNT!"  
  
"God-father infinity!"  
  
"Aunt infinity plus one!"  
  
"DRAT! Uh, godfather two times of everything you say! HA!"  
  
"Uh, well, I am his guardian!"  
  
"Why do you care what happens to him?"  
  
"Sirius, it's the principle of the thing." Remus whispered.  
  
"Ah. What's a principle?"  
  
Remus sighed.  
  
"God-father!"  
  
"Guardian!"  
  
"And both of us, Petunia, darling," Remus cut in, "Are fully grown WIZARDS."  
  
Petunia stopped, her eyes becoming wide with fear. "Wi-wizards?" "Y-yes." Remus and Sirius said together.  
  
"Quite capable of the discriminating 'turn you into a toad' trick." Remus said sweetly. ___________-______________________________________________________________  
  
This old Albus, he played nine,  
  
He played nick nack on my line,(Albus: *cuts some fishing line*)  
  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: Guess we can't fish anymore...*makes a whack for Sirius*)  
  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: *sidesteps and Remus falls off the dock, and then is beaned with a bone*)  
  
This old Albus came rolling home.(Albus: *transfigures himself into a hamster and rolls around in a hamster ball*) _____________________________________________________________________- "I wonder who'll be up next?" "Nobody good, I can tell you that." Sirius spoke up. "How do you know that?" Lily asked. "Because Snape is walking towards the stage again." "Oh God." Lily moaned. "Yes?" Sirius asked. Lily immediately hit him in the head. "Oww. James, Lily hit me." "You brought it on yourself, you know." James smiled. "Did not." "Did so." "Did not." "Did so." "And the award for least mature argument goes to James and Sirius." Remus interrupted. "Yay!" Sirius cried, immediately. "I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible, except James, because he's a git." "Am not." "Are so." "Am not." "Are so." Everyone else just sighed in frustration and covered their ears in an attempt to drown them out. __________-_____________________________________________________________  
  
This old Albus, he played ten,  
  
He played nick nack on my hen,(Albus: *runs around like an idiot with a hen under his arm*)  
  
With a nick nack Padfoot whack,(Remus: Hey! That's my dinner! *whacks Sirius to get it*)  
  
Give a dog a bone;(Sirius: *grabs a bone and hits Remus over the head* QUIT WHACKING ME!)  
  
This old Albus came rolling home. (Albus: *rolled up in a carpet being pushed off a cliff by Sirius and Remus* Boys? Where are you taking me? _______________________________________________________________________- First of all, James had taken off his glasses. He had somehow managed to convince Sirius to cast a spell to shorten his normally shoulder length hair, promising him it would only be for this song. In fact, Sirius' hair now looked almost exactly like James': short and messy. James was wearing a black shirt and tight dark green pants (especially for Lily), while Sirius was wearing a dark green shirt, and tight black pants (okay girls, all together now ::happy sigh::). From a distance, they could easily have been mistaken for twins. "Um, Peter?" Remus began. "Yeah?" "Help me with Lily. She seems to have gone into a trance." Lily gave a small jump when they both shook her, trying to wake her up, then immediately blushed a bright red. "And now we have Sirius Black and James Potter singing Best of Friends (From The Fox and the Hound)" Dumbledore announced. Grinning like mad, the two boys took their places on stage.  
  
Sirius had immediately returned his hair to normal length once the song ended. James had tried to walk off stage without using his glasses, but ended up stumbling on the stairs and crashing into Sirius. The two had ended up in a heap on the floor, but in true James and Sirius style, they jumped up, took a bow, and thus made it seem as though they had meant to fall the entire time (though James did immediately put his glasses on again). "Oh, that was so sweet." Lily cried as the two returned to their seats. "Though you two dressing alike was just scary." Peter said. "That was entirely James' idea." Sirius said, at the same time that James tried to blame him. "Great minds think alike." Lily laughed. "Then what's their excuse?" Remus asked innocently. "Hey!" James and Sirius cried indignantly. ____________________-________________________________________________  
  
And what is wrong with werewolves?!? I'm cute, I'm cuddly, give me a hug!!!" Remus said as he made his way through the crowd, which wasn't hard because everyone wanted to get away from him and Sirius as quickly as they could. One student couldn't help but stare and Remus solved this by saying, "Grr. Arg. Snarl!" all the while, pawing with his hands. The first year ran away screaming bloody murder.  
  
"Remus! What did I say about the first years?!?!?" Sirius asked, scolding Remus.  
  
"Umm, that they are a bunch of whinny, annoying, pathetic excuses of witches and wizards, that wouldn't know the difference between a werewolf and a grim if they bit them in the butt! Which they most likely will . . ." Remus recited from memory.  
  
"Remmy . . . that is not what I was speaking of!" Sirius stopped him.  
  
"Oh, right! Don't scare the first years!" Remus remembered.  
  
"Very good!" Sirius said as if he was talking to a first year, tossing Remus a cookie; which he caught in his mouth. A first year made his way up to Sirius, as if the argue on behalf of the other first years, but Remus again said, "GRR. ARG. SNARL!" and the first year ran away. Harry of course had his head in his hands, trying to be invisible  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Stories By:  
  
Nick Nack...Padfoot Whack?! Baka Kitsune  
  
Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts! By Anrion  
  
The Marauder Singing Contest (The Rematch!) Ariana Black  
  
(some are from the same stories) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: Thank you to all my lovely Reviewers, without you this would not be possible! Well, maybe it would, but then again, I've always been a drama queen!  
  
Wildfire- Thanx!  
  
Princess of destiny- Of course I'll keep posting!  
  
Tawa bids you good day- Thanx, I totally agree. I'll check the spacing better, thank you for noticing.  
  
Padfoot- Hate to burst your bubble, but I don't give a shit. I just read Max6's story (its really good by the way, all you readers) because one of my friends left a review under my name. Where's the copyright? If Max6 cares that much, she can contact me, but this stories staying, no matter what pitiful arguments you and Max6 can come up with. Thank you for your review, I needed someone to vent my anger upon. 


	4. From Threatening Santa to Enraging teach...

A/N: Sorry this took so long!  
________________________________________________________-  
"Now Remmy! NOW!" Sirius shouted, seeing the look on Hagrid's face, and  
they both sprinted off to the boats. Remus grabbed Hagrid's boat and he and  
Sirius jumped in, leading the frightened first years across the lake. Remus  
grabbed the paddles and started to row like a crazy man.  
  
"Row man! Row! Row like you've never rowed before!!" Sirius shouted in a  
thick Irish accent as he stood at the front of the boat, Remus rowing his  
heart out.  
  
"I'm giving her all she's got captain! It isn't working!" Remus shouted  
back in an equally thick accent as they slowly edged forward.  
  
"You must row men!!! Row!! We attack at dawn!!!" Sirius shouted to the  
first years, pointing at Hogwarts. The first years all turned to one  
another, confused and slightly scared. They began to whisper hurriedly to  
each other.  
____________________________________________________________________-  
"Song, song, song." The other Gryffindors chanted as the Marauders and Lily  
walked into the Common Room.  
"As if you four needed any more praise." Lily sighed.  
"We can always use more praise." Sirius protested.  
"Sirius, if your head were any bigger, it'd be declared a continent."  
"Why Lily, you wound me." Sirius said, faking a pout.  
"Good. Your ego needs a few holes in it, to let out all that hot air your  
full of."  
"Um, how did she start winning this?" Sirius asked. "I'm the one who's  
supposed to be winning."  
"In your dreams Padfoot." Remus said, rolling his eyes.  
"Actually, my dreams are much more fun. And usually involve half the girls  
in our year." Sirius added with a sly grin.  
"I don't want to know." Remus said, burying his face in his hands.  
"Well, before Sirius goes on to describe these fantasies of his, I say we  
obey the rather loud chanting crowd and sing." James interrupted.  
__________________________________________________________________-  
Harry noticed A large black dog roaming the corridors when they walked in.  
"Padfoot!" Harry called. Padfoot trotted over to Harry. He crouched down  
and scratched his ears. "What are you doing?"  
  
"He stole my sock!" cried Remus, running down the stairs. He leapt at the  
dog. Werewolf and dog wrestled across the entry hall. Eventually Harry  
broke them apart and gave Remus's sock to him.  
  
"Padfoot, Moony, go to your chambers. You're confined to your chambers  
until further notice," Harry ordered.  
  
"Aren't we supposed to be in charge of him?" asked Sirius.  
  
"I think so," Remus said slowly. They continued discussing this until they  
reached their rooms. Then they had to occupy themselves with making their  
own breakfast.  
  
"They are truly hilarious," Ron said, shaking his head.  
-______________________________________________________________________  
"Did my dad ski too?" asked Harry, fascinated.  
  
"Oh, I wouldn't call it skiing!" Sirius laughed, "it was mostly crashing.  
Into me, usually. Or vice versa. We were hopeless."  
  
"Really?" Harry couldn't help feeling a little disappointed; he had always  
carried a firm resolve that his father had been good at everything.  
  
"Well, some of the crashing was on purpose," said Sirius, "it was a  
constant feud to see who could get the most snow down the other person's  
jacket. We tried it on an icy slope once - nearly cracked our skulls open.  
You don't know how hard ice is until you're landing onto it at forty miles  
an hour. Lily could do better, though - when she stopped she could spray  
snow twenty feet without so much as a speck on herself. Get us both in one  
blast, and be off before we knew it. Oh, I don't remember ever using drying  
spells as much as when Lily was in a silly mood in the snow," he leaned  
back against the seat, chuckling.  
_____________________________________________________________________-  
The grin was still on Sirius' face, and even from a side view, James could  
see the mischievous twinkle in his midnight blue eyes. The words were  
legible now, and there was simultaneous, loud laughter at what it formed.  
In neon pink, flashing letters, the phrase: 'I want to be Professor Binn's  
love monkey' had appeared over Snape's head, coupled with that flashing  
arrow that pointed down at the Slytherin.  
The class seemed to be in hysterics, the funny incident increased by the  
fact that they had been bored to death previously. Professor Binns turned  
around sharply to see what was so amusing. His eyes widened at the words  
that were apparent over the confused Snape's head, which was looking around  
to see what everyone was laughing at. "Who- who is responsible for this?"  
Binns cried, looking around at the still-laughing students.  
Sirius leaned back in his chair innocently, seeming to laugh in stride with  
everyone else. Binns was perfectly aware of the hatred between the  
Slytherins and Gryffindors, and his eyes immediately roamed over to Sirius,  
who had his trademark grin on his face.  
"Mr. Black? Is this your doing?' He demanded, motioning towards the words  
frantically.  
All eyes immediately lay upon the daring second year, who didn't seem fazed  
a bit. "Professor, I'm as innocent as I appear." His expression changed  
into one that would melt anyone's heart. His eyes seemed bigger and bluer-  
like a reflective ocean before a storm. His lips were formed into a  
charming smile, and his strands of silky hair framed his eyes perfectly,  
yet effortlessly. The most innocent expression was placed on his face, and  
if a neon-like sign and arrow hadn't suggested that Snape wanted to be his  
"love monkey," the Professor would have smiled at the boy's charm.  
However, Professor Binns didn't want to let the young Black get away with  
this. He knew it was Sirius; even James, Remus and Peter wouldn't dare to  
do something as bold as this in the middle of class. He would have to get  
the truth out of the boy the hard way.  
Sirius almost allowed himself a grin. The Professor seemed to be falling  
for his innocent expression. When he had said that he was as innocent as he  
looked, he had taken it into account that the old teacher probably wouldn't  
be able to see the inevitable, devilish glint in his eyes. Binns looked at  
him, seeming convinced, but secretly playing his part.  
"Very well, Mr. Black. I believe you. If it was not you, I know who it  
really was. Mr. Potter. detention." Sirius and James' mouths both dropped  
open at the same time.  
"Professor.I."  
"Professor.he." Protests were made by both boys, but Binns held up his hand  
to silence them. He could barely stop his lips from twitching up in a  
smirk. Sirius' innocent expression had fallen off his face, and he looked  
stunned. James also looked surprised.  
By now, Snape had found out about the words over his head, and was glaring  
at the Marauders, snarling in anger.  
"Enough, boys. For pulling such a stunt and using such. explicit-" he  
almost blushed, "innuendo as you have, Mr. Potter, you will have three days  
of detention starting tomorrow." James took it all in stride, and without  
even a reproachful look at Sirius, he nodded obediently and silently. "Now,  
back to the lesson.the history of magic is a long and complicated line of  
events. Important people, important dates, important spells, incantations."  
Sirius raising his hand interrupted him in his sentence. "Yes, Mr. Black?"  
Binns said, knowing what was coming next.  
Sirius couldn't believe it that Binns had given James detentions for his  
prank. He saw James redden for a second, but then his best friend accepted  
the punishment, and hadn't even given him a single nasty look. Sirius  
couldn't just let his friend get in trouble for his prank. Besides, it was  
quite a genius phrase and idea he had. he couldn't have James taking all  
the credit.and he was feeling guilty already that the boy got his  
detentions.  
"'Scuse me, Professor. One thing to say, one tiny comment. I noticed that  
you gave my best friend three detentions for that prank. You know, that's a  
bit excessive, don't you think? I mean, it was just a harmless prank. It's  
not like Snape sprouted a tail or anything. Oh, and- uh, it was my fault.  
My prank. Not James'. So the detentions are mine.yeah.thanks." He gave a  
tiny cough at the end of his little speech, and placed one hand behind his  
head.  
Binns smiled inwardly at the boy, but plastered a reproachful look on his  
face. The loyalty that Sirius, James, Remus and Peter showed towards each  
other was astonishing. The Professor knew that once he had given James the  
detentions meant for Sirius, the raven-haired boy would confess so his  
friend wouldn't get his detention. "Very well, Mr. Black. Thank you for  
your honesty though it would have been much better received for telling the  
truth the first time. An extra hour of detention for lying."  
Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but shut it immediately, not wanting to  
get in more trouble. at the moment. He slumped back into his chair,  
sighing. "Now, to take that spell off you, Mr. Snape." Binns continued.  
Sirius bolted upright in his seat, eyes wide. "No! Professor, don't!" He  
shouted, but it was too late. Binns had shot a spell towards the words, and  
blue sparks erupted out of the wand tip. Nothing happened for a second, so  
James looked over at Sirius to see what was wrong. The usually mischievous  
and carefree boy looked horribly nervous, and his eyes kept darting to the  
door.  
Everyone stared at the words and arrow above Snape's head, wondering why  
nothing was happening. There was a small flash of light, but instead of  
disappearing, the words faded, and new ones appeared in place of it. James  
choked in hysterics, almost falling out of his seat when he saw what the  
words read.  
Emerald, signature written words were in place of the old ones and Binns'  
face turned a violent shade of red when he read them. The arrow blinked  
even more furiously, and the words above it read: "Stuff some galleons down  
my bra, and you'll see how much fun we can have tonight, Binns."  
There were loud guffaws and roars of laughter as a kid in the back of the  
room fell out of his seat in hilarity. Binns threw another spell at the  
words to disappear them, but only new ones appeared. This time, the new  
phrase made five students total fall out of their seats, and the  
Professor's face to turn an ugly, violet shade.  
The words now read: "Care to join me for an erotic fuck?" Binns turned  
around to Sirius, who was trying to hold back his laughter due to the fact  
that Binns looked like he was about to skin the boy alive. Sirius' eyes  
dashed to the door again as the enraged teacher rounded on him.  
"Bloody hell, professor," Sirius said nervously, scooting backwards in his  
seat. "You may want to control that anger. you may pop a vein. or your face  
will stay that color permanently or something." Sirius felt the edge of the  
seat with his hand, and swung his long legs over the back, landing  
gracefully on his feet.  
Binns was advancing slowly, and his eyes glistened dangerously as his wand  
arm raised. Sirius gave one last look at the door, and then over Binn's  
shoulder to his friends, who were still laughing. When the Professor was  
fairly close to him, Sirius turned around, and bolted out of the door. The  
students were surprised to see Binn's run after him.  
_____________________________________________________________-  
He gaped for a moment, the heard a roar outside, he turned to see a large  
truck with the words "PRINGLES GOTTA LOVE EM" on the side.  
  
Screaming, Sirius chased the truck.  
  
^*^  
  
Sirius had been running for a few hours after that truck, it had been  
riding around in circles throughout the city.  
  
The driver had noticed Sirius, and had taken to slowing down so Sirius  
could catch up, then when he was within arm distance, speeding back up. He  
seemed to find this funny; Sirius was think of ways to hex the man.  
  
Sirius continued to run, and turned around to see if anything was behind  
him.  
  
Big Mistake.  
  
He ran smack dab into the Pringles truck and knocked himself unconscious.  
__________________________________________________________-  
"We will begin tonight with The Marauders." Dumbledore smiled. "They will  
be singing Welcome Back My Friends."  
James-  
Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends  
We're so glad you could attend  
Come inside! Come inside!  
Sirius-  
There behind a glass is a real blade of grass  
be careful as you pass.  
Move along! Move along!  
Remus-  
Come inside, the show's about to start  
guaranteed to blow your head apart  
Rest assured you'll get your money's worth  
The greatest show in Heaven, Hell or Earth.  
All-  
You've got to see the show, it's a dynamo.  
You've got to see the show, it's rock and roll ....  
Peter-  
Soon the Gypsy Queen in a glaze of Vaseline  
Will perform on guillotine  
What a scene! What a scene!  
Remus-  
Next upon the stand will you please extend a hand  
to Alexander's Ragtime Band  
Roll up! Roll up! Roll up!  
See the show!  
Sirius-  
Performing on a stool we've a sight to make you drool  
Seven virgins and a mule!  
Keep it cool. Keep it cool.  
James-  
We would like it to be known the exhibits that were shown  
were exclusively our own,  
All our own. All our own.  
All-  
Come and see the show! Come and see the show! Come and see the show!  
See the show!  
_____________________________________________________________-  
Dear Santa,  
  
I'm only this for Peter and Sirius is really annoying. So here's my list  
and if you don't make them come true we'll find you and blow up you're  
igloo.  
  
Explosives  
  
More explosives  
  
Hogwarts map  
  
Hogsmead map  
  
More explosives  
  
Secret escapes from Hogwarts  
  
A way into the Slytherin dorms  
  
Shampoo for Snape  
  
Deodorant for Malfoy  
  
More explosives  
  
A brain for Peter. Poor kid. One he can understand.  
  
Make Lily Evans like me.  
  
Remember, do it or no more igloo!  
  
James C. Potter  
  
Sirius and James snickered together. Peter looked horrified. Remus shot  
them a "Your dead when we're away from the innocent one." Look and said.  
"And Sirius' list."  
  
Dear Evil Elf Worker,  
  
Is it true you use under-aged elves! YOU'RE A BAD, BAD MAN! So, either you  
give me this stuff or I'll go to the Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and every  
other paper in the World. Mwuhwahwahwahwa!  
  
Explosives  
  
More explosives  
  
Give James a date with Lily Evans  
  
Give Remus more books, he deserves them  
  
Have the Reindeer eat Snape & Malfoy  
  
Give Snape shampoo before he dies  
  
Give Malfoy deodorant before he dies  
  
Give Peter a girlfriend and make him stop flirting with us  
  
Explosives  
  
A Hogwarts toilet seat  
  
Oh, and besides ruining your reputation I'll help James blow up your igloo!  
  
Sirius L. Black  
_________________________________________________________-  
"Are you trying to pin your issues on me?" gasped Sirius. "I'm the only  
sane person here!"  
The three others stared at him in an awkward silence for a few minutes.  
"What?" asked Sirius. "WHAT?"  
"Try INsane," Remus finally muttered.  
"I resent that," said Sirius five minutes later when the comment had sunk  
in.  
_________________________________________________________-  
" Uh-Oh I smell trouble," Lily said.  
" No my dear Liliflower that is just James you smell," Sirius said  
gleefully.  
" Shut up Padfoot, that's not what she meant.  
_________________________________________________________-  
"What are all those cute nicknames you guys use for each other?" Genie  
  
asked them, pouring some more pumpkin juice.  
  
"Yea, I'm sure the whole school wonders about that." Tatiana said, putting  
a  
  
lock of her dark hair behind her ear, and leaning in to see all their  
faces,  
  
gazing at them all with her light green eyes.  
  
"Well," Sirius said, "I'm Pad- Ow!" Sirius stopped, rubbed his leg, and  
glared at  
  
James.  
  
James gave him a piercing look. "Sorry - I'm not Pad. but um." he cleared  
  
his throat and quickly glanced at James, "Tampon." All the girls choked on  
  
their food and whipped their heads up to look at Sirius. They guys all  
became  
  
wide-eyed. Genie and Dakota looked at each other, than back at Sirius. "You  
  
know. know how teenage guys are."  
  
The two girls slowly nodded their heads.  
  
"James over there is uh. Thongs." Lily burst out laughing as James hid his  
  
smile by taking a slow, long drink. Everyone else was containing his or her  
  
laughter beautifully.  
  
"Remus is. is. what are you again, Remus?"  
  
"Uh - Moon-me." He replied quickly. Jen started to take shuddering  
breathes,  
  
trying to keep her mirth inside. A couple of people around them stared as  
the  
  
bunch of Gryffindors continued to burst out into laughter after feeble  
attempts  
  
at caging it.  
  
"Right, right. Sorry I forgot - spring heat." Sirius said, nearly rupturing  
from his  
  
contained laughter.  
  
"That's ok, Tampon old friend." Remus replied, keeping a straight face, and  
  
patting Sirius' hand across the table. Students about them started laughing  
as  
  
well.  
  
"And Peter. he's," Sirius swallowed to keep from laughing, then said, an  
  
octave higher than usual, "Sperm Whale."  
  
James fell off the bench, and laughed on the floor, with his legs on the  
bench.  
  
Peter banged his head on the table multiple times. Remus was laughing into  
  
his folded arms on the table, as Jen laughed and supported herself on his  
  
back. Lily fell across  
  
James' legs, while Mel laughed and clung onto a chortling Gus as Ara slowly  
  
pounded a fist on Sirius' back as she laughed.  
  
Sirius himself kept himself up right, and calmly ate a roll, ripping off  
pieces  
  
and popping them into his mouth. Not to say he wasn't smiling, or shaking  
  
slightly. oh he was.  
  
As people began to calm down, and in James' case, get back seated on the  
  
bench, Genie looked confused.  
  
"Where'd you get the last one?" she asked.  
  
"If only you knew Gene. If only you knew." Sirius said as people laughed  
some  
  
more.  
  
"Well, we have Ancient Runes now." Sirius addressed all his friends. "Come  
  
on, Moon-me, Sperm Whale, Thongs, ladies."  
  
They all got up slowly, too weak from laughing, and grabbed their bags -  
  
everyone unable to stop smiling.  
  
"I'll see you guys there. I have to talk to Dumbledore for a second." Lily  
said,  
  
kissing James on the cheek.  
  
Sirius kissed Tatiana on the cheek, waved to Dakota, and left with his  
friends.  
  
"I didn't mean to make some up, Tampon." James said as Sirius caught up  
  
with them.  
  
"Well, Thongs, I wasn't just going to shut up and leave them in the dark.  
That'd  
  
just be rude." Sirius said.  
  
"Messrs. Moon-me, Sperm Whale, Tampon, and Thongs. Purveyors of Aids to  
  
Magical Mischief-Makers." Remus said with a flourish, sweeping his hands in  
  
front of himself.  
******  
A/N: Please help me out here! I Forgot to copy down who wrote this. If you  
know, please, please leave it in a review or e-mail me! I'll dedicate the  
Next Chapter to you!  
*************************************************************  
Pieces from:  
The Bond Of An Army By Flaming*Water  
Snowstorms By Tawa bids you good day  
Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts! By Anrion  
To Enrage a Teacher By Padawan Jess Kenobi  
The Marauder Singing Contest (The Rematch!) By Ariana Black  
Padfoot Wants Pringles By Mauve Lipgloss  
The Marauders Christmas lists! By Calista Black  
Pointless Dialogue from the Marauders By Rhapsody in pink  
How They Found Out By kimmerz  
***********************************************************  
Thank yous to PRINCESS-WILDFIRE, DavidCamp, and Katyla  
5 more reviews for the next chapter! Flames count! Please people, I'm  
desperate here! Don't you know Reviews are an Authors life source! 


	5. Violent Marco Polo, an innocent game of ...

A/N: Thank you to Kyra Invictus Black and Sirius's crazy chick for reviewing.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes! I own Harry Potter, and I am writing stupid, Non-profit, meaningless stories on an obscure website. Come on people! Use your brains! ___________________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius stood up, and letting his dark hair fall elegantly over his handsome face he said "Okay, James see you later...In transfiguration right?" James and Peter looked blankly at him, but a second later his plan became all to clear. Sirius turned on his heal and gently bumped into Charlotte Brown, knocking the Spring Ball flyer she was holding to the floor.  
  
"Oh, don't worry," said Sirius stooping down to retrieve the flyer "Ohhh...the Spring Ball! Yeah, I remember hearing something about this!" By this point Charlotte was blushing furiously "So, been asked yet to go yet with anyone yet?" asked Sirius casually, now all Charlotte's friends were giggling madly.  
  
"Uh...no...not yet" she mumbled giving Sirius a sweet smile.  
  
"Not Yet?!?" cried Sirius "A pretty girl like you?" this caused Charlotte to blush even more "Well, I can't have you going alone! Why not come with me..?" A blonde friend of Charlotte's let out a snort of laughter, Sirius ignored her.  
  
"Ooh...uh...Yeah okay, sure!!" Charlotte said smiling widely, at this Sirius bent down took her hand a gave it a little kiss, causing more blushing from Charlotte and a fresh wave of giggles from her friends.  
  
"See, you April 17th!" called Sirius as Charlotte and her friends hurried out of the hall laughing. James turned to his toast shaking his head with a grin.  
  
"Smooth, Sirius....Smooth" said James thickly through a mouthful of toast.  
  
"Wow....amazing" said Peter looking at Sirius with awed amazement.  
  
"Hmm...yeah, I think we should probably go to Muggle Studies...." said Sirius gazing around at the now deserted hall "NOW!" ________________________________________________________-  
  
This time, Sirius was waiting for him, his mischievous past was not behind him, and he wasn't going to miss the first chance for four and a half years to spook someone out. Silently he got off the floor, from his usual position and sat on the bed humming. The Dementors didn't affect Sirius like they did the other prisoners. There was a very good reason for this; Sirius was very different from the other prisoners. He was innocent, and this was one of the only thoughts that kept him live and from not going crazy.  
  
Sirius heard a rustling form down the hall, and brightened slightly. He leant back against the wall and waited until the Minister came to his cell. The Minister was a short balding man by the name of Cornelius Fudge. He wasn't very high in Sirius' good books, he had sent him to Azkaban without a trial. But was Sirius Black one to hold grudges? Hell yes.  
  
"Hello Mr. Fudge. How are you today?" Sirius said as the man was passing, and chuckled as the man jumped, apparently thinking that everyone in Azkaban had lost the ability to speak.  
  
"Mr... Mr. Black..." Fudge began, perspiration running down his chubby face.  
  
"Oh, yay you remember me. Do you think I could borrow that paper? Don't get much news in here." Sirius said.  
  
"Of... of course, here." He said and thrust The Daily Prophet threw the bars. Sirius stood up and took the paper from his hands, and grinned wickedly at him, before he basically ran down the hall.  
  
"Nice to see you too!!" he yelled after him, before chuckling, and sitting on his bed. He sighed and opened the paper to the front page, and jumped up when he saw the headlines. ____________________________________________________________-  
  
"Let's sing a song!" Padfoot yelled.  
  
"We are so NOT singing anything!" Moony said huffily.  
  
"Why not!?" Padfoot pouted.  
  
"Because you have a horrid singing voice! I rather kiss a Dementor!" Moony said smartly.  
  
"Why not just kiss me!" A loud smooching sound was heard.  
  
"Padfoot! Get off of me!" Moony yelled.  
  
"Seems as though Wolfie's got himself a boyfriend..." Snape snickered.  
  
"Oh yes! I just love you Moony!" Another loud smooching sound.  
  
"STOP IT!" Moony screamed. "Prongs! Take away this horny dog!"  
  
Prongs chuckled. "I can't see a thing Moony, sorry..." Though he sounded far from it.  
  
"Anyone have a wand!?" Wormtail grumbled.  
  
"Nope, but we got a bucket full of fish guts!" Padfoot remarked happily.  
  
"How romantic..." Moony grumbled annoyingly.  
  
"Of course!" A loud slapping sound.  
  
"PRONGS!!! Get him away! He just slapped my arse!"  
  
Prongs chuckled. "Sorry, Moony..."  
  
Moony could be heard growling angrily. _______________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius- I hate to break your little chat but I wonder if you could shoot quills through Binns?  
  
Remus- lets try.  
  
(They all chuck their quills at Binns)  
  
James- Cool it worked!  
  
Peter- Yea and I got to go potty  
  
Remus- I don't really care, do you Padfoot?  
  
Sirius- Not really, Prongs?  
  
James- Just as long as he doesn't wet himself, but it would be a good laugh.  
  
Peter- I really got to go!!!  
  
Remus- Just ask him you moron, what's he gonna do say no?  
  
Peter- He could!  
  
James- If I were you then I would just leave. It's not like he will notice or anything.  
  
Sirius- How many more minutes are left Moony?  
  
Remus- 30 minutes, next time look at the clock.  
  
Sirius- 30 MINUTES??!!!! I thought it would be like 2 or something.  
  
Peter- I still got to go!!!!  
  
Remus- JUST LEAVE!!!!!  
  
Sirius- IS A HALF-HOUR UP YET?  
  
James- No Padfoot it isn't.  
  
Peter- I just wet myself.  
  
Remus- EWW  
  
Sirius- I agree with Moony.  
  
James- Wormtail we told you to leave and go to the bathroom!  
  
Remus- Looks like Wormtail need "Goodnights".  
  
Sirius- What are "Goodnights"?  
  
Remus- They are like big kid diapers.  
  
James- How would you know that?  
  
Remus- My little brother still uses them.  
  
Peter- Do they work?  
  
Sirius- Wormtail you need help.  
  
Peter- With what?  
  
Remus- MENTAL HELP!!  
  
Sirius- IS A HALF-HOUR UP YET?  
  
James- 5 more minutes.  
  
Remus- We are gonna die in here!  
  
Peter- I have to go poop.  
  
Remus- Can I kill him?  
  
James- Who will prod the knot on the willow then?  
  
Remus- True, Peter you can live.  
  
Sirius- YES CLASS IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! __________________________________________________________-  
  
Severus Snape stood by the door to the school with what appeared to be a checklist, stopping the adults that were coming in.  
  
"*McGonagall* did that last time!" Remus hissed.  
  
"I suppose they decided that scaring the living sh-"  
  
"SIRIUS! This is a *school*!"  
  
"Sorry, but I suppose that they decided that scarring everyone for life by looking at Snape before entering the school makes the year less... er... *chaotic*?"  
  
"Perhaps. But I think it's purely for you."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
They continued up to the school and joined the line of adults (a very *short* line) that were slowly passing by Snape.  
  
When Sirius appeared before him, the greasy haired Potions Master scowled.  
  
"Hey, Snapey! How ya been?" Sirius chirped annoyingly.  
  
Snape glared at him, "Don't call me that, Black. Now what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm Hoggy-warty-Hogwarts' first security guard!" Sirius said proudly, puffing out his chest. "I guard the insecure! Guard of the secureness. Security of the guard! Wait... I *am* an insecure guard-"  
  
"Black..."  
  
"- Guard of the security! I guard *their* security! Secure their guardedness! I-"  
  
"BLACK! *Shut. Up.*"  
  
"I am the guard of shutting up! I guard the shut up! Shut up that guard! Shut up *of* the guard! I-"  
  
"Sirius..." Remus warned behind him, pointing to a fuming Snape.  
  
"Oh." Sirius said, "Right. So, you greasy li'l git! What're you doin' this year?"  
  
"I'm the Potions Master, Black. Just as I was last year. *And the year before that. And the year before THAT.*"  
  
"Aww... I bet *that* pissed you off, huh?! Wanted Defense Against the Dark Arts, didn't ya?! Well, HA, HA!"  
  
"JUST GO!" Snape screeched.  
  
"Righto." Sirius said, mock saluting him.  
  
"NEXT." Snape snarled, while muttering, "Stupid Black. Thinks he gets to me with his infernal Dark Arts shots! Psh. Who *is* teaching that this year, anyway? Why, if they were here right now, I'd..." He made a violent gesture with his fist as Remus walked up. _______________________________________________________-  
  
"So, who's up for a game of Duck, Duck, Goose?" Padfoot asked eagerly.  
  
Snape growled, "No, besides if we did. We couldn't see the game. It would turn into a violent Duck, Duck, Goose..."  
  
"Well, we gotta do something! I mean, after you're malfunctioning wand!" Wormtail murmured.  
  
"My wand is fine! This isn't even my wan-... Hey! It feels exactly the same as that twig! DAMNIT!" Snape bellowed.  
  
"Duck... Duck... Duck..." Padfoot started.  
  
"No." Prongs said firmly.  
  
"WHAT!? Even you don't wanna play!?" Padfoot whined.  
  
"I'll play!" Wormtail insisted.  
  
"But it's not fun with only two people!" Padfoot whined again.  
  
"Shut your trap..." Moony growled.  
  
"Marco Polo!" Peter suggested happily.  
  
"God... No! We are so not playing Violent Marco Polo!" Moony grumbled.  
  
"Marco!" Padfoot yelled.  
  
"POLO!" Wormtail yelled.  
  
A loud crash was heard. "MY LEG! I THINK I BROKE MY LEG!" Padfoot started screaming.  
  
Prongs was heard slapping his forehead, "Great Wizards... No."  
  
"YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!" Snape bellowed.  
  
"I said that already!" Moony argued.  
  
"So!? I'm saying it again!" Snape growled.  
  
"JINGLE BELLS!"  
  
"You've broken your leg but still have time enough to sing Jingle Bells!?" Moony screamed.  
  
"JINGLE ALL THE WAY!" Wormtail joined in.  
  
"It keeps the pain away!" Padfoot explained easily.  
  
"God..." Moony mumbled.  
  
"Damn twig..." Snape sighed, "I suppose I shall befriend you... Everyone else is annoying as hell... I shall bid you Eddie the Elf!" Snape said happily.  
  
If the lights were on, everyone would see the look of sheer terror on Moony's face.  
  
"So, Eddie the Elf. How are you this evening?" Snape asked.  
  
"JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS!" Padfoot and Wormtail sung happily.  
  
"Moony...?" Prongs asked uncertainly.  
  
"Yeah, Prongs?"  
  
"Erm... I'm afraid."  
  
"Me too, Prongs... Me too." _________________________________________________________-  
  
The class was in an uproar. By now everyone had heard about Snape's ax- wielding, 'All kill Lupin!' trip and it was all anyone could talk about. (Besides the insanity of the newly appointed Professor Lupin and Mr. Black of course.)  
  
Remus walked in, a huge smile plastered on his face. "Good morning, class!" he chirped.  
  
Everyone went silent immediately. Not only had this class (as Sixth Year Gryffindors) met Lupin three years ago (and he had instantly become their favorite teacher) but, as we said, they had all heard about Snape's murderous rage toward the poor guy. (Anrion: *whispering* Not to mention... they know he's a werewolf! Just thought you should know! Now, on with the story!)  
  
"HI REMUS!" three voices shouted at once.  
  
Remus cleared his throat and coughed, "That's *Professor* to you. Now-"  
  
Harry raised his hand.  
  
"*What* Harry? Honestly, I've been here for thirty seconds! You couldn't possibly have started not paying attention *yet*!"  
  
Harry put down his hand, "Can we call you Professor Moony?"  
  
Remus sighed, "No."  
  
"Professor Remus?" Hermione Granger added.  
  
"No."  
  
"Professor Remmy?" Ron Weasley asked hopefully.  
  
"No."  
  
"Professor Remskie?" Harry asked again.  
  
"I'll *kill* Sirius for telling you about that...."  
  
"The guy who teaches us Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Dean Thomas added helpfully.  
  
"Yes. But not when you're addressing me." Remus smiled, "Now. To start off, we will be learning about-"  
  
"Werewolves!"  
  
"Grims!"  
  
"SNAPE!"  
  
Everyone burst out laughing. Remus chuckled.  
  
"Although, I, myself should take some defense lessons against Professor Snape, we-"  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
"Come in." Remus said pleasantly. And a minute later, Sirius's head popped through the door.  
  
"HI SIRIUS!"  
  
Sirius nodded to Harry, Ron and Hermione and walked over to Remus, who cocked an eyebrow.  
  
"What... is *that*?" he asked, pointing to Sirius's clothes. (Sirius is wearing a mall cop outfit -hat included-)  
  
"Oh, this? Just my uniform. See? I got a badge!"  
  
"Right... Now what is it?"  
  
"Uh, do you think I could hang out in here for a while?"  
  
An outburst of 'Yes!' went up at this.  
  
Remus waved his hand for silence. "Do you really think I'm going to let *you* stay in here with all of the, er, shall we say, *potential* items I have in the back?"  
  
"Well, you see, Remmy, I-"  
  
He was cut off by a sudden high-pitched scream, accompanied by an explosion.  
  
Remus narrowed his eyes, glaring at Sirius suspiciously. "What did you *do*?!"  
  
Sirius cringed, "Uh... you see, I kind of *misplaced* a dung bomb next to Filch's office, and, uh... well, you know."  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"LUPIN!"  
  
Remus shuddered.  
  
"And, that would be the little git now! Have fun Remskie." Sirius said, patting Remus on the back.  
  
"I am going to *kill* you... as soon as I get back." Remus hissed as he walked out the door, "Yes, Argus?"  
  
Sirius turned to the class, grinning, "Alright. Lesson one: Dung bombs are your friend. Lesson two: Toilets put together with dung bombs are even friendlier."  
  
"Sirius." Remus said, sticking his head through the door, "Dumbledore wants us."  
  
"Okay, Remmy!" Sirius waited until Remus disappeared again before turning back to the class, "Lesson three: Always listen to the little leprechaun that tells you to burn things. Lesson four: Slytherins and permanent hot pink hair dye get along very well. Lesson five-"  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
"Coming! Well! Why aren't you all copying that down?!" Sirius screeched in his best Snape imitation before running out of the classroom after Remus. __________________________________________________________-  
  
"We should play cards." James said, breaking the lull in conversation.  
  
"Cards?" Sirius and Remus asked in unison.  
  
"Yes. A friendly, innocent game of cards." James said firmly. "No magic. Just the muggle version."  
  
Sirius' eyes lit up. "Strip poker!"  
  
Lily laughed. "He said an innocent game of cards."  
  
"Yeah, but he also said friendly. And I would be real friendly towards you if you were in your panties." Sirius grinned, and James punched him in the shoulder.  
  
"Sirius! Flirting with James girlfriend? That's a no-no." Remus said in a mocking tone.  
  
"Oh, don't be too hard on him. He had an obsession with underwear." Peter said slyly.  
  
Lily laughed again and shook her head. "No poker. I don't know how to play. And besides, do we even have a deck of cards?"  
  
Once again, the room went silent.  
  
"I'll take that as a 'no'."  
  
"James should have one."  
  
"Why should I have one? I just suggest the games, I don't supply 'em."  
  
"I know! How about strip chess?"  
  
"Shut up, Sirius!"  
  
"Oh, come on James. You know you wanna see Lily naked."  
  
"Why is everyone assuming I'd loose? You all could end up naked!"  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
The constant chatter died down after a minute, and Lily cleared her throat. "Well," She said briskly, "I'd say that that 'innocent game of cards' idea is pretty much dead."  
  
"Dead and six feet under." James muttered.  
  
"We should get to bed. It's getting late." Remus observed.  
  
"That, and we have a test in Charms tomorrow."  
  
"Charms. Ick."  
  
"I'm locking my clothes chest tonight, so if anyone needs to steal someone's underwear, take James'."  
  
And so, the five Griffindors marched up to their rooms, with Sirius muttering, "Well, I still think that we should play strip something." _____________________________________________________________-  
  
After a few tries, Sirius finally got through. "Hello, this is Miss Cleo. Let me deal the tarot cards for your free readin'." Miss Cleo said. "'K." Sirius replied, tapping his fingers on his lap. After a few minutes, Sirius yelled "Could you hurry the hell up?" "Ah, the cards show you're an impatient one." Miss Cleo 'revealed.' "No shit, sherlock." Sirius sighed. "Hey, Christina, turn the TV down." Sirius said. "Ah, you have a woman in your life. Her name is. Christie? Christine? Ah, yes, Christina!" "James, did I not just say that?" Sirius laughed, turning to James. "Ah, the cards also show you have a friend named James." Miss Cleo went on. "Actually, he's my gay boyfriend." Sirius said in a serious tone. "James, his lover!" Emily shouted in the background. "Shut up, Emily!" James laughed. "Ah, the cards show another friend named Emily." Miss Cleo said. "No, actually  
  
She's my enemy and I hate her. SHE'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND AND ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, AND I'M STAYING WITH HER! SHE'S AMAZING, GUYS!" Sirius shouted. "Breathe, Sirius, breathe." Remus advised. "I don't need the breath therapy, Remus." Sirius sighed again. "Ah, you have another friend named Remus. He is the calmer of your group." Miss Cleo said. "Must I go through this senseless torture yet again? You are merely repeating what I say." Sirius complained. Silence on the other end. "Look. It's my friend Lily." Sirius said in a monotone. "Ah, you have a friend named Lily." Miss Cleo said. "You know what? Never mind. I'll just... hold on." Sirius hung up the phone, and, without a word, Disapparated. A second later, on the TV screen, they saw their friend push Miss Cleo out of her seat. There was a minute of rustling about, then Sirius appeared back on the screen. He was wearing Miss Cleo's hat and her fake costume jewelry. "Call Mr. Padfoot for your free readin'." Sirius said in Miss Cleo's accent, and waved. ____________________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius laughed and slapped him on the back in a congratulatory manner, which didn't serve to alleviate James' choking at all. Between choking and laughing, it took James a few moments to recover. Finally when he could breath again, James turned sheepishly to his companion and asked, "Um...you weren't actually serious about moving in, were you?"  
  
Arching a sardonic eyebrow, the raven-haired man turned to James and dryly replied, "I'm always Sirius."  
  
James shook his head and snorted, hardly believing he'd walked into that old pun for probably the 3,435,230 time. He suddenly couldn't wait until his own son was old enough to initiate it to; hopefully he would be able to get a few years out of the joke before his son would have him permanently committed. However, James was now in quite a good mood, and he couldn't help but resist the temptation to run the gamut with the pun. "It's a good thing we had our talk," he began sincerely. "I guess we had a Sirius misunderstanding." Sirius chuckled once wryly.  
  
"I mean...if we'd have stayed angry at one another, we could've been making a Sirius mistake," he said.  
  
"Yes, that's quite true, James," Sirius remarked with an edge of annoyance beginning to creep into his tone. James ignored it. "But Sirius-ly--"  
  
"Potter..." he threatened warningly. "I cut my finger the other day," James said holding a completely mark-free finger out for his friend to see. "Do you think it's Sirius?"  
  
Calculating precisely the space between them--which wasn't much--Sirius suddenly turned on James and attempted to pounce on him, but years of Quidditch playing had conditioned James to anticipate such moves and he swiftly rocketed from his chair to easily avoid the attack, giggling so hard he had to hold his sides together. Even Sirius had to fight to smother his own amusement, inwardly delighted and relieved that his best friend's former self was back at full tilt. Meanwhile, he eyed James like a particularly hungry wolf stalking his prey.  
  
"Now, Si," James placated, still giggling, albeit a tad nervously. He could already see the familiar animalistic glint in his friend's eye and though he and Sirius and Peter had each made a secret pact after leaving Hogwarts to resist shifting into their Animagus forms, he knew the ability hadn't been forgotten. "You wouldn't hurt me, would you? Your oldest friend?" Clearing his throat, he straightened and set his hands on his hips. "Alright now. Enough playing..." James reprimanded in a very fatherly manner. Then he choked back a snicker. "I'm dead Sirius..."  
  
"JAMES!!!" _________________________________________________________-  
  
"Ok, Emily, I have a question." James asked Emily. "What?" She replied. "How are we all going to get to the mall to go Christmas shopping?" He questioned. "Er, how about a bus?" Emily suggested. "Oh." James nodded. "And here's a note, Chaser-Boy." Lily said, walking in the living room where James and Emily were talking. "Yeah?" "I recommend you to change. I don't think Muggles will take well to your pink halter top and black leather pants." She said, laughing. "What the." James looked down, and saw the previously mentioned clothes. "SIRIUS!"  
  
So after everyone got ready, and James got Lily to transfigure his clothes back, they walked to the nearest bus stop. "What exactly does this bus do?" Sirius wondered out loud, raising one eyebrow at Emily. "It's like a big car that can seat a lot of people." Emily explained, shaking her head. All of a sudden, they heard the sound of screeching breaks and Remus yelling "DEAR GOD! WHAT IS THAT?" "I'm guessing it's a bus." Christina said, and pushed him into it.  
  
Once inside, Remus was shaking uncontrollably. "Remus, are you going to be ok?" Emily asked him. "No think about big car. Focus on presents." He replied mindlessly. Emily sighed and rolled her eyes to Christina, who nodded.  
  
Then Sirius, who was sitting across from Emily, began singing very softly "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all through the town." The girls let out a collective sigh; they had done this on a ride to Hogwarts before. "The driver of the bus says shut the hell up, shut the hell up, shut the hell up. The driver of the bus says shut the hell up all through the town." James joined in with Sirius, and they go louder.  
  
Near the 10th verse, Remus let go of his fear and sang with James and Sirius and Peter, who had came in on the sixth verse. By the 20th verse, they were shouting lyrics, and the girls took their jobs as their cheerleaders. "Everybody now!" They shouted, walking back and forth through the bus. By now they had approached the 50th verse, singing "The bird doo on the window is black and white, black and white, black and white. The bird doo on the window is black and white all through the town." The would have said another word that they preferred, but Lily had told them to keep it G-rated.  
  
"Shut you stupid mouths!" An old man yelled, shaking his fist. The men looked at each other, nodded, and sang "The old fart's fist shakes up and down, up and down, up and down. The old fart's fist shakes up and down all through the town."  
  
During the rest of the ride, the made insulting verses to whoever dare insult them, while Lily, Christina, and Emily had stopped cheering them one and went to the back of the bus and were talking quietly. But when they were looming toward the parking lot, the bus driver stopped the bus and threw them off. When they hit the ground, the girls stepped gracefully off the bus. They were lead by Emily in singing to the driver "We're already there. Take a look around. We're in the parking lot." The guys interrupted them with "We love Dippin' Dots." After that the driver slammed the door shut and sped away. "That was productive." Sirius said, and with that they entered the mall. _______________________________________________________-  
  
"Owww...." Sirius moaned as he rubbed his aching side. "Damn it woman, that hurt." "What did you call me?" Lily asked, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Absolutely nothing." He said quickly. "I heard him, he called you 'woman'." Remus said. Sirius didn't get elbowed this time, she bopped him in the head instead. "Thanks a lot Moony. Whose side are you on anyway?" Sirius asked. "Lily's of course." "You're all against me." Sirius complained. The Marauder Singing Contest (The Rematch!) Ariana Black "So, what did you think?" Sirius asked innocently as they sat down. Lily reached over, grabbed his ear, and stood up, forcing him to as well. "I think we had better go outside, as I don't think the rest of the school wants to see me torture you." She replied, leading him by the ear towards the back of the Hall. "Mommy." Sirius said as he was dragged along.  
  
"Lily and Sirius don't seem to be back yet. Should we be worried?" Remus asked. "They aren't?" James asked, looking around. "Wait, there they are, getting ready to go onstage." Peter said, pointing across the Hall. His jaw suddenly dropped, causing Remus and James to look over for the cause. "Oh my God..." Remus said, barely suppressing a laugh. "What is he wearing?" James asked, failing to suppress a laugh (hey, not everyone has Remus' self control). "Poor, poor Padfoot." Peter laughing almost as hard as James (yeah right, like he has self control. You gotta be kidding me if you thought). Across the Hall, Sirius could hear them laughing. He looked pleadingly at Lily not to make him go onstage with her. "Sorry Sirius." she replied. "You should have known I'd get you back." "But this is cruel and unusual punishment." He pleaded. "Unusually Unusual punishment?" she asked innocently. She grabbed his arm and pulled him up towards the stage. "Its either this or I beat the Hell out of you, and you know I will." "I think the beating would be less painful." He murmured.  
  
As soon as Sirius and Lily stepped onto the stage, the Marauders weren't the only ones laughing. They weren't doing it to be mean or anything (well, the Slytherins were, but that's just them), it was just the sight of what Sirius was wearing (drum roll please). Lily had forced him to wear a neon pink mini-skirt with black tights (come on girls, we all know we want to see him in tights!) and a bright blue, V-neck blouse. She'd even pulled his hair back in a red scrunchie with white heart on it. Lily was wearing an identical outfit, though it looked much funnier on Sirius. A few wolf whistles rang out from the audience, but no one was quite sure whether they were meant for Lily or Sirius. Sirius was blushing almost as brightly as the lipstick Lily had put on him, silently vowing never to do anything to upset Lily again, in case she thought of something worse to do to him next time. Though, what could be worse than public humiliation, he didn't know.  
  
"P-poor Padfoot." James laughed. He knew he should feel sorry for his friend, but seeing him in that outfit made him want to laugh more than pity him. Finally, the audience managed to calm down. Until Dumbledore announced what song they were going to sing.  
  
"Ahem. Well, as you can see, Lily Evans and Sirius Black will be singing next." Dumbledore said, trying hard not to show his own amusement. "They will be singing Girls Just Want To Have Fun."  
  
Instantly, the school broke into laughter again. Sirius had his face buried in his hands, as if he thought that if he couldn't see the rest of the school, they couldn't see him. Or perhaps he was trying to pretend it was all a nightmare, right up there with showing up for class naked, or taking a test you haven't studied for. Lily nudged him in the ribs, forcing him back to reality, and they began to sing. ________________________________________________________-  
  
Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs! By Nicola2  
  
You Saved Me By LadyLilyPotter  
  
Stuck in Idiotville by Lady Stone  
  
Moony Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs' notes By George is hot-Mrs. Moony  
  
Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts! By Anrion  
  
A Friendly, Innocent Game Of....Um...Cards? By Joltz  
  
Sirius Calls Miss Cleo and Other Adventures By Insane Jewish Werewolf  
  
Get Sirius By EntreNous  
  
The Marauders singing contest By ____________________________________________________________-  
  
A/N: Please review! Pretty pretty please? With sugar on top? Please, reviews are my life source! Well aside from sugar, chocolate and caffine.  
  
Sirius: Just review so she'll shut up.  
  
Author: I'll send you pixie stix! 


	6. Pink and Purple Bunnies, Evil Butterflie...

A/N: Thank you to Sirius's Crazy Chick, Lover-Of-Sirius-Black, PrincessWildfire, Foxxy-Chicca911, ShrugDuckie, oracle2335, Katyla, and DavidCamp for reviewing.  
  
Disclaimer: I'll spell this out in small words for you. I.DO NOT.OWN.HARRY.POTTER! Happy now! ____________________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius stood in the shadows eyeing the corridor. Under his breath he murmured the Mission Impossible theme song. He lowered his murmurings as a teacher crossed the corridor and went into a classroom. Seizing his chance, Sirius completed a summersault into another patch of shadows on the opposite side of the corridor. He held up his fist, to show his partner in crime to wait where he was. The professor that entered a room only a few moments earlier, exited and headed up a set of stairs. Sirius waved behind him for Remus to cross the hallway. Deep in the shadows Sirius had left but a moment ago, Remus emerged. He looked left, then right. Seeing that the corridor was empty, he too completed a summersault to the shadows that Sirius stood in. Both Marauders high-five and brook into grins. __________________________________________________________-  
  
Beyond the Bunnies: The Life of Sirius Black  
  
Potter: Hello, I'm James Potter, filling in today for Sirius Black because I am going to do an interview with him...sad though that may be.  
  
Black: I'm right here, James.  
  
Potter: *clears throat* Right! And now we have some questions from our readers...most of which seem to concern you being single and you going out with them.  
  
Black: Come and get it, ladies *charming grin*  
  
Potter: Okay Sirius, that's disgusting. Here we go: One Slytherin asks if your initials really are SOB?  
  
Black: Yep, my mother was a...*sees it's rated G*...really mean person. I don't like her.  
  
Potter: GryffindorGirl asks if you were a Muggle movie star?  
  
Black: What's a movie star? What's a movie? Potter: Ah, the pureblood curse. And Moony wants to know why you have an obsession with pink and purple bunnies.  
  
Black: See, it all started when I was just a small Black. Narcissa, my...Slytherin...cousin, had brought home two cute fluffy bunny rabbits, and naturally I was dying to terrorize them. So the minute my dear old mum left the room, out came the wand and POOF! went the bunnies. Pinky and Lavender emerged, but unfortunately the spell had this side effect of blowing them up, and my mum wasn't very happy and made me clean it up, then she made me buy Narcissa new rabbits, but in that time from when I bought them to when I gave them to her I came to love them and now I want Pinky and Lavender back! PINKY! LAVENDER! WHERE ARE YOU, MY LOVE BUNNIES?  
  
Potter: That was....er....enlightening, Sirius. Moony: Disturbing, you mean.  
  
Potter: That too. Now Sirius, one fan wants to know how you manage to be so sexy?  
  
Black: It's all natural, baby. *pulls off his shirt*  
  
Potter: Sirius, that was more of you than we ever wanted to see. *fangirl screaming can be heard in the distance* Well, than most of us wanted to see. Go back to sleep. This has been James Potter, interviewing Sirius Black...sadly. Now we have to go run from random fangirls...we'll be back next week! ________________________________________________________-  
  
A bright golden sun was just peeking over the crest of the hill above Hogwarts. On top of a tower, a rooster was crowing exuberantly, broadcasting to the Hogwartian world that it was morning and indeed time to awake.  
  
Unfortunately for the rooster, one very disgruntled black haired, grey-eyed thirty-something year old was not in the mood to listen to his crowing.  
  
Sirius Black stalked angrily over to the window of Gryffindor Tower and flung it open, searching left and right for the infuriating farm animal. "Shut the bloody hell up!" he screeched, lobbing Ron Weasley's conveniently placed tennis shoe in the bird's direction.  
  
When the crowing ceased, Sirius nodded happily and turned back toward bed. . .just in time for the shoe to come flying back and smack him directly in the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto Remus Lupin's bed, accompanied by a triumphant squawk and the fluttering of wings.  
  
Remus rolled over unconsciously, flinging his arm around a panicked Sirius' neck. The werewolf pulled a face in his sleep, squeezing his friend's neck experimentally. "Woofies, I think you've grown my little friend. . . ." he muttered sleepily.  
  
"REEEEEEEEEEEMUS!"  
  
The piercing wail woke the werewolf up immediately, sending him flying into a sitting position.  
  
"No! Not the king bats! Not again!" he cried, then calmed down, and noticed the very disgruntled animagus still tucked under his arm. He grinned, "Now, Sirius, Poopsie, if you needed to crawl into bed with me you could've just asked."  
  
"Let go of me you great nift!" Sirius yelped indignantly, backing off the bed when Remus complied.  
  
Remus cocked an eyebrow, looking from the open window, to the tennis shoe lying innocently on the floor behind his friend, to Sirius' mussed hair. "Padfoot, you got in a fight with a barnyard animal again didn't you?"  
  
Sirius nodded mutely.  
  
"And you lost." the impassible DADA professor stated professionally.  
  
"Remus! Let me keep a bit of my dignity, you deranged canine!"  
  
The werewolf cocked his head. "Dignity? What is this 'dignity' you speak of? Oh! I remember now! Dignity is the thing I gave up as soon as I became your friend!" he said, getting up and walking toward the bathroom.  
  
Sirius glowered, but then snickered. "And the minute you put on those too."  
  
"What?" Remus asked, turning around.  
  
Sirius giggled, and point at Remus, who looked down curiously.  
  
"AAAAAAAARGH!" Remus dove toward his bed, grabbing a sheet and wrapping it around himself in a blur, while Sirius collapsed on the floor laughing hysterically and clutching his stomach.  
  
"What's going on?" Harry asked groggily, sitting up.  
  
"Moony! Heart boxers?! You're a grown man!" Sirius howled.  
  
Harry snickered, and Remus finally realized something. "Er. . .Paddy, I wouldn't be talking."  
  
"Huh?" Sirius looked down. And across the school, even the Slytherins were jolted awake at the blood-curdling shriek that emanated from Gryffindor Tower. __________________________________________________________-  
  
Unfortunately his dreams would have to wait for now, as the dementors glided back over to guard his cell, and replaced his surge of delight with insane thoughts of multicolored surnames.  
  
Sirius Black, Sirius White, Sirius Green, Sirius Blue, Sirius Yellow, Sirius Purple. _________________________________________________________-  
  
'ALRIGHT EVERYONE SHOW SOME ENTHUSIAM!' Sirius shouted through the large crowed of students, his heart pounding with anticipation, 'ROME HERE WE COME!'  
  
All the students stared at him weirdly with a *riiiiight* expression on their faces.  
  
Remus shook his head appallingly, 'Don't get too excited Sirius.' He pointed at the figure in the line in front of them; Sirius yelped and started to sniff the air as if faking to cry.  
  
'MOONY! He'll RUIN my pranks!' Sirius wailed as if he's prank ideas had been flushed down the toilet.  
  
Snape heard Sirius's wailing and turned around to face him, 'That's right Black and I'm here to record THEM!'  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOO!'  
  
'SIRIUS SHUT UP!' Remus snapped with mortification as other people around them stared eccentrically. _______________________________________________________-  
  
"So . . . evil butterflies are out. Too risky, you never know what they're thinking with those darting eyes of theirs." Sirius said, his voice growing more sinister with each word. Ron and Harry nodded their heads in agreement, while Draco and Hermione shared confused expressions.  
  
"How about we just go and see what's going on and come up with a plan when we get there?" Draco said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Sirius jumped up in excitement.  
  
"I've got it!! How about we go and see what we're dealing with, before we make a plan!" Sirius shouted triumphantly. Ron and Harry jumped up next to him, shouting how good his plan was. Draco was about to point out that he had said that same thing two seconds earlier, but Hermione stopped him. Sirius got so little intellectual glory, it might be better if he did believe it was his plan. And so, onward they marched. To The Three Broomsticks!!!!! ________________________________________________________-  
  
"So, what niceties are going on here?" Remus asked.  
  
"We are playing Truth or Dare, also known as Let's Torture Snape!" Severus said, not without anger. Sirius nodded and sat down.  
  
"Sounds like a great game to me. Whose turn is it?"  
  
"Mine." Said Minerva sadly. "Sirius, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth for me, I have no idea what kind of dares you people have so I want to stay safe for the moment."  
  
"Ok, what is your most embarrassing secret?" Minerva asked. Sirius blushed.  
  
"I have fleas." He said dejectedly. Everyone laughed. Sirius was surprisingly quick at getting over the humiliation. ___________________________________________________-  
  
This collection brought to you by:  
  
Azkaban: A Tale of Revenge by DavidCamp  
  
Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts! By Anrion  
  
The Gryffindor Oracle by Abigail Nicole  
  
Moony and Padfoot go to Rome  
  
Truth or dare by Spunkz the wacked out Spaz ____________________________________________________________-  
  
A/N: I know, it's really short, but I haven't updated in a while. The next chapters are gonna be slow coming, because its getting harder and harder to find good stuff. I'm telling you now-this story will have an end-it's to hard to keep up forever. I might also expand this to include more of the other Marauders, except maybe Wormtail. I will try to get out a new chapter every month, for a little while. I will try to get up to 10 chapters, but I can't promise anything. On the bright side, I am working on a Marauders-era fic with plenty of Sirius-ness, but I wouldn't look for it for a couple months. Also, I have two other stories, Songfics actually, one about Sirius and the other about Harry and Ginny, and am currently working on another Sirius songfic, and have a Harry/Ginny one-shot fic waiting to be typed. I'll stop boring you now, thank you to any reviewers I missed. Please review. 


	7. Flirting, Boredom, Fighting with Gophers...

A/N: Another chapter! I found some new stories by typing random words in the search feature. It worked pretty well, I think. So enjoy, I shall not end the story yet. Please, if you have found anything even remotely funny, either e-mail the name to me or, even better, leave it in a review. Sometimes there will be lots of links to funny stuff through the favorite stories list on the authors page.  
  
____________________________________________________________-  
  
"Helllloooo." Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows and giving Maria a roguish wink.  
  
Maria raised her eyebrows and shot a look at Noel. "He thinks he's a ladies' man..." Noel whispered to her friend.  
  
Maria gave Sirius a devilish look. "Is that right?" she murmured. "Well, two can play at that game!" she nodded at Troy and Remus. "Hey, guys..." then she smiled slyly at Sirius. "Hellooo, Sirius..."  
  
He smiled at her. "Say, Maria, haven't I seen you someplace before?"  
  
"Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore." she returned quickly, a smirk playing across her face.  
  
Sirius narrowed his eyes. He decided to try again. "You're so beautiful. You know, I'd go to the end of the world for you."  
  
Maria grinned crookedly. "But would you please stay there?"  
  
Everyone burst out laughing. Remus nudged his friend and whispered, "Sirius Black, I think you've met your match!" Troy laughed and nodded. Sirius only stared at Maria. ___________________________________________________________-  
  
"JAMES! James, James ... guess what!" Sirius Black shouted all the way through the Great Hall. He ran over to the Gryffindor table and skidded to a halt, almost knocking over James' chair. "James..." Sirius panted, collapsing heavily beside him. James Potter gave him a most bemused look before he closed his Transfiguration book. "Whee, Black. That's my name all right. You got free tickets for the Quidditch World Cup or -" "Better. Way better!" Sirius grinned from ear to ear. "I'm staying at Hogwarts over Christmas." James made a questioning face. "And that's better? How come? Well, I know you're not keen on seeing your family but none of us stays. I don't see -" "I'm not alone." James raised his eyebrows over the rim of his glasses. "You've got a girl-" "Snape stays too." "Eww. Come again?" "Come on - think! It's the perfect opportunity for another of my", he paused for drama and lowered his voice, "special pranks." "You do remember the last one, do you? The one where you ended up kissing Snape?" Sirius' smile dropped. "We. Do. Not. Speak. Of. This." "Oh - but we found it very amusing." James grinned broadly. "Did we?" "Besides, doesn't Snape usually stay with the Malfoys over Christmas?" "Not this time." Sirius was back on the subject. "They were invited by one of those old wizarding families. And of course they won't bring a freak like Snape along." "Which old wizarding family do we speak of?" Sirius shrugged. "Mine." "Oh." "Anyway -" "I don't know, Sirius. It's Christmas after all. Why don't you stay with me over the holidays?" Sirius made a dismissive gesture and James tried again. "You'll get presents!" "Good cue - would you lend me the cloak? Please? And -" "Did you hear what I said?" "Of course he didn't," Remus Lupin's voice cut in. "He's got that look that says: I'm way beyond help, please find my brain scattered over the North Pole," he made a show of scanning Sirius expertly, "on Mars. What's up?" He took a chair on the other side of James. He didn't seem too curious, though. But before Sirius could feel properly offended by his friend's lack of interest, he jumped up. __________________________________________________________-  
  
There was a long pause as all of Grimmauld's inhabitants tried to come up with something to do.  
  
"We could string Kreacher up by his toes and pretend he's a piñata," Sirius offered. _______________________________________________________-  
  
"AHH!" Padfoot cried and curled into fetal position on the floor.  
  
"BAD MENTAL IMAGE! BAD MENTAL IMAGE!" Moony yelped and clawed at his eyes.  
  
"Told you it was bad..." Prongs muttered.  
  
"No!" Snape sniffed. "My Minerva... Why must you do this to me!? Why!?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Uh... I'm learning too much about Snivellus than I rather would want to..." Padfoot winced as Moony nodded in illusion.  
  
"My turn!" Prongs quipped happily. "I shall be the... PROPOSER OF DOOM! MWHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Uh... That's wonderful Prongsy..." Padfoot commented lightly. ________________________________________________________-  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sirius was busy with a roll of muggle duct tape. He had physically forced Kreacher into a roasting pan and was trying to affix the lid with the tape.  
  
"Why are you struggling?!" he hissed. "This'll be over in a minute. This hurts me more than it hurts you--well, no, okay, it'll definitely hurt you more, but I have to cook something special for Snape."  
  
The lid in place, Sirius made for the stove with the howling pan.  
  
"Stop it, Sirius," Lupin said softly but affirmatively. Sirius gave a sexy little pout, but Lupin's eyes bore into him, unrelenting. With a sigh of resignation, Black turned and shoved the pan on the counter.  
  
"I'm bored," Sirius whined pitifully.  
  
"Well, we can't have that," Lupin sighed, remembering all the things Black had felt compelled to do out of boredom. Setting Kreacher on fire, drinking an entire bottle of hot sauce, piercing his own nipples. . . Lupin shuddered at his friend's stupidity. There was of course the time Black had removed Snape's underpants in front of the school--that had done wonders for the rumors going around that the two were gay. Lupin mentally noted that you couldn't forget the time James and Sirius had made a seven foot tall replica of the Taj Mahal out of mashed potatoes in the Gryffindor common room or the time they had enchanted the school kitchen's house elves into performing the Nutcracker ballet. As memories of past acts of madness came roaring back to Remus, he seized Sirius by the elbow and hauled him away from the kitchen of stoves and sharp, pointy things. __________________________________________________________-  
  
"But fireworks are so...so tame!" Sirius complained. "I think we should turn all the Slithering' food into butter and rocks just as they were about to eat it." The other three Marauders looked at him incredulously. "Butter and rocks, Sirius? Where did you come up with that?" James asked, blinking owlishly. Sirius shrugged. "Dun, just came to me. So how about it?" __________________________________________________________-  
  
It was dark and stormy when Remus left Gryffindor Tower.  
  
"Where ya goin', Remmie!?" Sirius said.  
  
"I'm goin' to take my pregnancy test, Siri," Remus answered dryly, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Oh, alright!" Sirius relaxed again. Then..."Waiiit a minute, who's the father!!?"  
  
But Remus was gone.  
  
Everyone laughed. Sirius was so stupid sometimes. But they really did wonder where Remus was going. It was even more surprising when Maria got up to leave, too.  
  
"Now where are YOU going!?" Sirius asked, bewildered.  
  
Maria grinned lightly at him. "I'm the father!" she quipped. Then she left.  
  
Noel, Jenna, and Lily burst out laughing. So did James and Troy.  
  
"But Maria!!" Sirius shrieked after her. "You said you would father MY baby!!" he buried his head in his arms and pretended to sob. 'But really, where did they both go?' He thought. 'I will get to the bottom of this!'  
  
_____________________________________________________-  
  
*Pop* Where once had stood Snuffles now stood Sirus Black a tuft of gopher hair hanging from his mouth. He took the hair and headed for Remus's desk. Finding a parchment and a quill he quickly wrote a note for Remus to find.  
  
Remus-  
  
Your gopher is a worthy advisary. We have battled long and hard today he and I. All I managed to recover though was some of his hair. Fear not though I shall have his head before long.  
  
Yours Truly,  
  
Snuffles  
  
Sirus laughed to himself at the note and small piece of hair attached to it. Sirus yawned and decided that he'd had enough excitement. After stretching for a moment Sirius headed upstairs for his room, his bed and a well-deserved nap.  
  
Several hours later Remus Lupin returned laden with packages from his trip to town. He sat them down looking around wondering where Sirus had gotten off too. "He had better still be in this house." Remus mumbled to himself. He walked over to his desk finding a note addressed to him.  
  
He began laughing at his friends antics. He could almost picture Snuffle's fight with this gopher. Sirus came downstairs at the moment and seeing Remus in hysterics asked "What's so funny?" "Just you my friend." Remus replied. "Just you." he said walking past Sirus and upstairs to his room. ________________________________________________________-  
  
"Can we go yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can we go yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can we go yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can we go yet?"  
  
"NO!" Madame Pomfrey's eye twitched. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Black. For the last time, I will TELL you when you can go, alright!?"  
  
Still reeling from the shock, the Marauders had been placed in the Hospital Wing upon the rising of the sun, when a Hufflepuff first year had spotted their gruesome battle. James, Maria, Remus, and Sirius would all have lasting scars. Lily, Jenna, and Troy were sick, soaked to the bone with icy rain. And Noel....  
  
"How's my baby sister?" James called, trying to see down the line of beds to Noel.  
  
"She will survive. She's handling it well." Madame Pomfrey pressed her lips together in a thin line.  
  
"How's Remmie!?" Sirius yelled out.  
  
"Honestly, can't you see him yourself!?"  
  
"No! You put him in a bed waaaaay far from mine!"  
  
The poor nurse rolled her eyes. "He's still asleep, Mr. Black." then she muttered, " I TOLD Dumbledore that hospitalizing all eight Marauders at the same time was a bad idea!"  
  
Marauders with issues, at that. It was surprising they hadn't gone off the deep end yet, although there was some talk about Sirius and James....Madame Pomfrey amused herself with a picture of the Marauders next to a muggle diving board and some very deep water. Going off the deep end, indeed. But they had a firm grasp on whatever sanity they had left. Each one of them was taking the whole affair very well. ________________________________________________________-  
  
"Such a good dog." Lily replied sweetly. "Now James won't have to take you to the pound." Sirius whined slightly. James laughed softly as he watched his wife leave the room. "We'll be back soon, Padfoot. Just.....try to stay out of trouble until then." Sirius quickly transformed back to himself. "Honestly, Prongs!" He stated indignantly. "You'd think you were talking to the child instead of the babysitter." James paused as he started to leave the room. "Sometimes I'm honestly not sure which is which." He replied with a slight smile. "Funny." "Prove me wrong." "Hardly much left to worry about." Sirius stated. "All your list leaves is dog-fights and strip clubs." James just shook his head as he joined his wife at the door. "All set then?" Lily asked. "Should be." Lily leaned over and gave her son a kiss goodbye. "Now behave for Uncle Sirius, Harry." She told the baby. "And, Sirius," she added, giving him a kiss on the cheek, "don't teach my son any new words while we're gone. O.K.?" Sirius huffed. "What have I ever done that warrants you two warning me about behaving myself every time?" Lily looked somewhere between angry and amused. "Well, there was that incident with the broom, Sirius." "One thing...!" Sirius defended. "And that situation with the motorcycle." James put in helpfully. "Two things...!" "And that time with charmed carpet." "Three things....!" "And there was that table." "Four things.....!" "And I'm not even going to bring up the doormat issue." "Five things....!" "Padfoot," James stated solemnly, "are we seeing a pattern here?" "Like I said," Sirius replied, frowning, "no fun!" James shook his head. "Somehow, I'm sure you'll think of something. Just try not to make it anything I'll have to hard of a time explaining to the magic reversal squad." "You're faith in me is astounding." James patted his son's head. "Watch out after him for me, Harry. For all the trouble he gets me into with your mum, he's still my best friend." Harry happily waved bye-bye to his parents as Sirius closed the door after them. ________________________________________________________-  
  
But the light didn't make it any better. On the contrary. James looked into the face of an utterly bewildered Sirius Black. His blue eyes were as big as saucers, his hair was greasy - of all things - and he most definitely had lost weight. "What happened here?" James grabbed Sirius by the shoulders. "What did Snape do to you?" "Do? Nothing. Yet. I didn't give him a chance to. I was on guard." James shook his head sheepishly. "Nothing? What's that supposed to mean? You look like shit!" "I laid boobytraps," Sirius replied without any sign of listening, and James suddenly got a very lively and frightening image of what Avery had been running from. "Boobytraps?" "In the common room. That's why I stopped you from entering. But don't worry. I've made a map of all my hidden devices." "Hidden devices." "Oh, come on! You know what I mean." "Frankly: no. Jesus -" But Sirius already dragged him unceremoniously out of the cupboard. "What is it now?" "Let's go down to the hall. We have to be among other people. So he can't single us out." "Perhaps we should go down to St Mungo's," James suggested. "We have to be among competent people who can deal with this." Ah, well. Not that Sirius was by any chance listening to him. ________________________________________________________-  
  
The next morning, the Marauders were up bright and early, still sick and scarred but extremely hyper. Sirius and Troy were throwing around paper airplanes. One of them hit Lily in the head and she got mad and threw a pillow at Sirius, but it hit Maria. This started an all-out pillow fight, until Madame Pomfrey put a stop to it.  
  
"Honestly!" she shrieked, "You are sick and scarred and need REST! Now, get in your OWN beds and be QUIET!!"  
  
This didn't have quite the effect she had hoped for. They just laughed and asked her if they could have some more juice. When she got back, she found that, instead of getting in their own beds, they had pushed two of the beds together and were sprawled all over them. Hiding her smile, she gave them their drinks and left. __________________________________________________________-  
  
Sirius wandered to the toad. "Hello Mister Toad." Sirius greeted him. (Sirius can be quite polite, he just doesn't want to.)  
  
"Ribbit." Ribbited the toad.  
  
"Why're you so sad, mister Toad?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"Oh, so your girlfriend was kidnapped by an evil witch and turned you into a helpless little froggy?"  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"And you want to help her and save her and marry her?"  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"Alright, not marry her, but er, have 'fun' with her."  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"Hmm, too bad you're not a superhero then, 'cause superheroes always save the day, the girl and manage to disguise themselves using only a pair of glasses." Sirius had a thought. "You know! I can help you!"  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"Sure I can, you see, I'm not just any ol' dog, I'm also." A fanfare played in the background while Sirius started to strike a superhero pose. "Dogman!" He said, pointing at the sky.  
  
"Ribbit?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, so 'Dogman' isn't that great, but do you know any better names?" Sirius asked, looking a bit insulted.  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"No, I don't think 'The Amazingly Cool Black Dog of Glory and Stuff' is quite catchy. Bit lengthy."  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"No! I won't be called TACBDOGAS, 'cause then everyone'll ask what it stands for." Sirius sighed. Being a superhero wasn't as cool as he thought. "Don't you know any better name? How about 'Superdog'?"  
  
"Ribbit."  
  
"Yeah, that is a bit stealing, isn't it." Sirius thought some more. "Hey, I've got it! I can be Superdogman!" He looked around. The frog was gone. An empty bottle of soda was left behind. "Yuck, Lucozade." Sirius said and wandered off, back to his cave and Buckbeak. _____________________________________________________________-  
  
Segments from;  
  
Sirius Black, You've Met Your Match by kid majere  
  
A Hogwarts Paranoia by Mi  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom by meg kenobi  
  
Stuck in Idiotville by Lady Stone  
  
Only Time by Rynne Lupin  
  
Sirius is Bored by Jayly  
  
Siriusly Bored by P.A.R  
  
The little bored doggy who was bored. By fluffikins _______________________________________________________-  
  
A/N: Happy? Most of the stories I found by typing 'Bored' into fanfiction's search engine, cuz I was bored. See what great things are accomplished when you are bored? Oh, and I'm mad at fanfiction because they changed it so the chapter titles can only be so long! They cut off all my chapter names! Meanies! Ok, never mind, my mind is slipping into 2-year old mode. Better go, please review! 


	8. Staring Contests and Sirius and James ar...

A/N: Hey. Yet another chapter, sorry for the shortness, I wanted to get this out before the end of February. Anyway, Enjoy, and the more reviews, the faster you get your new chapter! Again, if you know of any story that has the Marauders, or Sirius in it, tell me the title. Also I can usually find good stuff thru your favorite stories and author pages. REVIEW PLEASE.  
  
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James Potter was mad. He was trying to sleep when an uncanny voice of Sirius Black rang out off-key, singing songs from The Beatles.  
  
"Sirius! It's been 2 bloody hours! I need sleep!"  
  
___________________________________________________________-  
  
In the fight that followed involved flying food, teachers screaming detentions left and right, and people on both sides being pummeled by a stuffed rabbit. Finally the teachers resorted to stunning spells (it took three to subdue Sirius. He didn't wake up for two days).  
  
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"You're not so high and mighty without James to watch your back, are you Black?" Black turned on his heel.  
  
"You didn't." He stalked towards Snape, whipping his wand out of a pocket. "There's only one way to settle this, Snivellus."  
  
"A duel."  
  
"No. Staring contest." For a moment, Severus deluded himself into thinking Black had finally mastered the art of sarcasm. Bloody hell, it wasn't sarcasm. Black was serious, standing there staring incessantly at Snape. And for the more childish parts of him, Severus found himself staring back. Lupin collapsed on the stairs. He knew this could take a while.  
  
Three hours later, Lupin had fallen asleep on the staircase. Staring contests were odious enough among muggles and underaged wizards. However, when "mature" wizards started hexing their own eyes open . . . Sometimes these events could go on for weeks. Moony stirred awake and glanced at the clock and then to the two competing wizards. Just when Lupine had resigned to being fated to spend his summer refereeing a staring match, a strange thing happened.  
  
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Remus looked over in shock. "Why, Padfoot, that was downright profound. I didn't know you had it in you." Sirius chuckled, a little life returning to his voice. "Mr. Padfoot respectfully requests that Mr. Moony keep his estimable, yet sarcastic, remarks in that rather empty space called his brain." Remus smiled at this revival of the traditional Marauders debating tactic. "Mr. Moony, although surprised that Mr. Padfoot actually knows the meaning of the word estimable, doubts that he could spell it, seeing as Mr. Padfoot's age has now overtaken his IQ." This actually managed to get a laugh from Sirius. "Ouch. You always were the best at that." Remus bowed his head mockingly, glad to see his friend smiling again. "Thank you, thank you."  
  
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How many dogs does it take to a change light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... German Shepherd: I'm not trained to change bulbs, just to guard the house. So don't try anything!  
  
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"What sort of spell--?" Snape began aimlessly.  
  
"It's not a spell. Sirius stuck the house elf in there."  
  
"The perhaps we should release it."  
  
"No," Black cut in. "Let's follow him." The three men were somewhat beyond their better senses and set off after the moving pan. At an agonizingly slow pace, they followed the trapped house elf out of the common room, down the hall, into a closet and through what appeared to be a dog flap in the back of the closet. After wriggling through the small opening, Lupin and Black--Snape had grown bored--found themselves in what seemed to be another of Kreacher's store holds. In fact, no sooner had they entered then the pan holding Kreacher began to throw itself at the floor repeatedly until the tape tore loose and the disoriented elf spilled on to the floor below.  
  
Kreacher took no notice of the two strangers in his odd little fortress. Rather, he picked up a knife from the table and began to chant what was apparently a voodoo curse intermixed with the lyrics of the "Macerena." Kreacher then began to launch himself at what had once been a portrait of Sirius, but now the canvas was ripped and shredded nearly beyond recognition. This didn't seem to deter Kreacher in the least, but rather the house elf tore and stabbed the painting with unprecedented fury. A startled Sirius backed up slowly and began to crawl back into the closet, Lupin pushing him in a panic. The two ran from the room and collapsed into chairs in the common room.  
  
"That was the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen," Black laughed.  
  
"You've never seen Tonks naked twice in the same week."  
  
"I've seen you naked."  
  
"Yeah, but you liked it." Black shrugged guiltily.  
  
"What's that noise?" Black asked, looking to the ceiling and changing the topic.  
  
_________________________________________________________-  
  
"Heeee'sa makin' eh list, an' he's checkin' iiit twiiice." These were the first words I heard on the wintry Christmas morning of my sixth year. I easily recognized the voices that were butchering the Muggle song. James Potter and Sirius Black had started yet another Christmas morning completely and utterly smashed. It was beginning to become a tradition. However, the other two times did not involve them smothering our dorm room with tinsel. The entire room was plastered in the stuff; it blocked the windows, the doors, covered the bedposts, and twisted around a snoring mass that I later found out to be Peter. Even Attila was in the Christmas mood; she too was tinsel covered, and a small Santa's hat was perched on top of her head, little holes cut out for her long ears.  
  
"Gooonnaaaa find out whooo's naughty or nice." Sang Sirius boisterously, half-supported by James, who was swaying to the tune, attempting to seal Peter's wardrobe shut with more tinsel, which had been charmed Gryffindor colors. Sirius had made himself a hula skirt out of similarly colored strands, and, clad only in it and boxers, attempted to stumble my direction. He failed, falling face first into the carpet, where he became enamored by a piece of flint  
  
_______________________________________________________-  
  
Moony and Black heard a blood curdling scream coming from the floor above them Black looked quizzically at his friend.  
  
"Don't look at me. It wasn't my fault this time, mate," Lupin muttered.  
  
At that moment, Hermione tore down the steps, cheeks flushed.  
  
"I . . . just saw . . . the most . . . horrible thing!" she sobbed.  
  
"Was it Kreacher's fault?" Black asked, rising at the chance to punish the house elf.  
  
"No, not . . . him. Professor Snape. He was . . . he was . . . he was TAP DANCING!" Hermione bawled from the emotional trauma of it all.  
  
_______________________________________________________-  
  
"MUM HAS COME TO HOGWARTS!" Shrieked Sirius, eyes rapidly bulging. He scrambled for the window, only to be caught in the tinsel like a fly caught in a spider web. James ended up cowering under Peter's bed (he wasn't drunk enough to go under Sirius's, or his own, at least), murmuring something about 'werewolf PMSing' and 'rabid ice weasels.'  
  
_______________________________________________________-  
  
But don't worry, you still have the record for most embarrassing detention. Remember that time you had a few too many butterbeers celebrating a Quidditch victory? When McGonagall came in to break us up, you were in your Animagus form and ended up humping her leg!  
  
_______________________________________________________-  
  
She ended up in my dorm room, and was lost in the dark dank portal to hell, also known as Under Sirius's Bed, The Eater of Important Things You Need For Your Next Class, and the Reason that James has No Boxers and Has to Steal Sirius's.  
  
______________________________________________________-  
  
Segments from...  
  
Sirius Black and the Lyrics of Misfortune by MBlack-Sirius' secret lover  
  
The Gold Book by Snuffles2  
  
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom by Meg Kenobi  
  
Redemption by krtshadow  
  
This means war! Jeconais  
  
________________________________________________________-  
  
A/N: So? Review time! I just love the part about Sirius humping Mcgonagalls leg, don't you? Also, in this means war! There is a very funny part that you wouldn't exactly understand without reading the story, involving Ginny, Fudge, and a threatened neutering of Sirius in dog form. 


	9. Her and His Room and the Attack of the N...

A/N: Finally, after almost four months, I bring you the ninth chapter! So without any further ado, I present to you chapter nine.  
  
Disclaimer: None of it's mine. Oh, wait...nope, not mine. -  
  
"Dumbledore I demand that something be done!'' yelled a seething voice. Every single person turned to the sound of the voice and almost every single person erupted with laughter. Standing before them was Snape, wearing vibrant pink robes, with his hair dyed bright gold and red. And behind him stood a line of Slytherins with the same infliction, currently following Snape to the head table. "You can not let them get away with this after what they did last night! I demand that they be expelled!'' Hissed an enraged Snape while glaring at the Marauders and Harry. "Black! Lupin! Potters! Are you death or something! What did I just tell you last night!'' yelled a red faced Professor McGonagall, "Go to Dumbledore's office right now! And a hundred points from Gry—'' Before she could conclude there came a great groaning that literally shook the ground. And all of a sudden a tidal wave of what looked like potatoes exploded through the doors. But unlike potatoes as soon as they hit the ground they ran and launched themselves at people. (They also somehow managed to close the doors.) "Runnn!'' "Stun them!!'' "Help!'' "It's got meee!'' "What on earth did you do!'' yelled a furious Hermione over the yells and pleas of help from the other students. But still her yells went on unheard. Sirius jumped on to his chair and yelled, "Fly, my pretties. Fly!'' While James who had also jumped on to his chair was yelling, "Hair! Go for the red and gold hair!'' Suddenly with a bang as laud as gun, that everyone heard over the screaming, the doors shot open and a voice yelled, "WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE!'' Harry was just able to make out the portly figure of Fudge before a wave of gnomes attacked the minister. -  
  
Remus: Welcome everyone to Whose Line is it Anyway- Marauder's Style. Let's meet our contestants.  
  
Camera goes on Sirius who's licking his water glass. He pretends to try to pull his tongue away, but it's stuck. (A/N: It's Sirius! It's gotta be ridiculous!)  
  
Remus: Oh no! My tongue's stuck, Sirius Black!  
  
Camera goes to James who's pretending he can fly  
  
Remus: It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh crap, it's James Potter!  
  
Camera goes to Lily who's pretending she's looking in the mirror  
  
Remus: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Not Lily Evans! Lily gets up and starts towards Remus but James and Sirius hold her back  
  
Camera goes to Professor Dumbledore who sits quietly with his legs crossed  
  
Remus: stuttering I... I... Hey! Gives the audience a quirky smile It's Professor Dumbledore! And I'm your host, Remus Lupin! Let's go have some fun! -  
  
Lily opens her closet, but keeps a cabinet locked shut. Sirius walks to this one, takes out his wand, opens it, and looks through it.  
  
Sirius: LOOK JAMES! :: holding up her bra::  
  
Lily: ::grabbing it back:: SIRIUS!  
  
She closed the cabinet and tackles Sirius, hitting him as hard as she can.  
  
Lily: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?  
  
Sirius: CAN'T BREATHE!  
  
James: ::pulls her off of Sirius:: Calm down! -  
  
Sirius: Can I see some ID?  
  
James: Is this good? :pretends to show him a card:  
  
Sirius: Why are you naked?  
  
James: Why do you ask?  
  
Sirius: How can anything be so small?  
  
James: :snorts and walks to the side of the stage. Lily walks out.:  
  
Lily: Can I help you?  
  
Sirius: You think I'm cute?  
  
Lily: Why do you ask?  
  
Sirius: Do you want to come with me to my room?  
  
Lily: :Snorts and walks off the stage. Remus buzzes the game.:  
  
Remus: One thousand points to everybody. -  
  
Sirius: The diary, stupid.  
  
Lily: He's not as stupid as you are! ::hits him on the head::  
  
Sirius: ::rubbing his head:: Owww!  
  
Remus: ::smiling:: Stupid Sirius.  
  
James: Just stand over there, Padfoot, and you won't get hit.  
  
Sirius: ::walks to the corner:: Yes, Mother. -  
  
Remus: Ten thousand points to whoever installed this buzzer! Our next game is Moving People for James and Sirius! : He walks up the stairs and looks around the audience. He finds who he is looking for and holds out his microphone to them: What's your name?  
  
Person: My name is Narcissa Jones.  
  
Remus: And you sir?  
  
Person 2: Lucius Malfoy. : A cough is heard down on the stage. Sirius Black, who looks ready to burst out laughing, just smiles sheepishly:  
  
Remus: Come on down and stand behind your favorite performer!  
  
Narcissa stands behind James while Lucius stands behind Sirius. Sirius looks pleadingly to James who just gives him an I-told-you-so look and smirks.  
  
Remus: In this game you two have to make these two actors move in any position. They can't move at all. So right now, why don't you put them in any position?  
  
Narcissa take James feet and makes them a shoulder length apart. She makes him look at the ceiling. One of his hands is in a fist while one is pointed straight ahead. Sirius is in the almost splits: Lily finds this completely hilarious: and has a finger in his nose.  
  
Remus: Your scene is you both private agents trying to find you third person in a nightclub. Starting now!  
  
Sirius: Have you seen him yet?  
  
James: No.  
  
Sirius: Where should we go from here?  
  
James: Over there! : Narcissa makes his finger pointing to the right:  
  
Sirius: Where?  
  
James: Can't you see?  
  
Sirius: Maybe if my head was looking over there! : Lucius turns his head and lifts him up. He makes him walk in front of James so they are looking at each other:  
  
James: Did you find anything? : He is trying very hard not to laugh:  
  
Sirius: What?  
  
James: Well, you have your finger in your nose so I assumed you were looking for something up there.  
  
Sirius: Yeah. : His mouth cracks into a smile: My gun is up there. I just can't seem to get it out. : Lucius takes his finger out and points it at James: Like it?  
  
James: Look over there! : Narcissa makes his finger point to the right:  
  
Sirius: Where? : Lucius makes him move over to where James's finger is pointing. His eyes are looking straight at James:  
  
James: Maybe we should forget about them. Come with me! We could make beautiful music together!  
  
Sirius: I'm sorry. I'm straight.  
  
James: Come on! You know you want me! Look into my eyes!  
  
Sirius: No, I-: His face is forced to look at James. Narcissa makes James's hands hold Sirius's head: I never noticed what beautiful eyes you have.  
  
James: I- : Remus buzzes the game. James and Sirius go back to their seats laughing like idiots. Lucius and Narcissa go to their seats as well: -  
  
Or... dun-dun-dun... HER!" Padfoot announced.  
  
"Who's... 'Her'?" Prongs asked skeptically.  
  
"You know... HER!" Padfoot repeated.  
  
"Who's that...?" Moony entered the conversation.  
  
"HER!" Padfoot yelled.  
  
"WHO'S HER!?" Snape screamed.  
  
"HER!"  
  
"Who is that!?" Wormtail bellowed.  
  
Silence.  
  
"I don't know. I was just trying to pass the time." Padfoot shrugged.  
  
Moony and Prongs growled as Wormtail looked around blankly.  
  
"Freak." Snape muttered.  
  
"Hey, anyone know a seven letter word for 'Hell'?" Padfoot questioned.  
  
"This room." Wormtail answered swiftly.  
  
"That's eight letters..." Prongs sighed.  
  
"You can take of the 'T'..." Wormtail replied.  
  
"His room?" Padfoot said aloud.  
  
"Whose room?" Moony asked.  
  
"His."  
  
"Whose?"  
  
"His..."  
  
"Whose...?"  
  
"HIS!" Padfoot yelled.  
  
Moony sobbed, "Don't yell at me!" -  
  
A few minutes later, while Lily is putting on a darker layer of eye shadow:  
  
Peter rolls in dressed all in black!  
  
Peter: The name is Bond; James Bond.  
  
Sirius follows suit, but ends up rolling into the wall.  
  
Lily: Can we go now?  
  
James: Yes.  
  
Lily: ::steps on Sirius as she walks out::  
  
Sirius: ::getting up:: those boots hurt. -  
  
Remus: welcome to Who's Line is it Anyway! The game where the points don't matter. That's right! Just like shampoo to Severus Snape! -  
  
Sirius, gimmie your wand.  
  
Sirius: What are you going to do with it?  
  
Remus: Give me it now :: in a firm voice::  
  
Sirius: :: whimpers::  
  
James: :: pats Sirius on the head:: Good Doggy  
  
Peter: God, what's that, Remus.  
  
Remus: Snape's underwear. IT has duckies on it.  
  
Sirius: YOU'RE HOLDING IT WITH MY WAND!!!!!!  
  
James: well it looks like we have something to hang in the Great Hall.  
  
Peter: ::chuckles::  
  
Remus: ::takes all the underwear out of both Snape's and Malfoy's trunks and shoves it into a bag::  
  
James: Great, now I can never use this bag again. -  
  
Pieces from: CAUTION: Marauders Traveling By aroar11  
  
Stuck in Idiotville By Lady Stone  
  
Whose Line is it Anyway Marauder's Style By Celestel  
  
The Ultimate Prank By Celestel 


End file.
